It was summer when I got to see my cousin for the first time in years. For others the amount of time without seeing each other seemed normal but not when I considered this cousin my sister. Once we had been inseparable we did everything together.  My little sister Hannah often felt left out, crying and begging to our mother to force us to play with her. All this changed as we hit our teen years she hit her teens a few years before me and that right there severed the bond that once seemed strong. I lost track of her only knowing certain things about her through relatives. The information that I did learn was not good it seemed that she had not been doing well at all. She chose to lead down the wrong path every turn in her life in the opposite direction of the road I was leading. She lacked the hunger for knowledge and school while I knew I needed to get an education to overcome all our struggles. She befriended thugs and druggies. I befriended academically prone people. She dropped out of school. I stayed in school. She left home at age fifteen only returning for periods of time only to disappear again. Returning sleep deprived, thinner, and bruised after days spent on the streets. Later I found out she had been gifted with a child but being in the situation she was in, a child was not something she needed. That day I got to meet him for the first time, he was already a toddler taking his first steps and talking. It is sad how I could not recognize her as she approached me her once long dark hair was now short and bleached blonde. I think it was more of what I saw in her eyes that made her so unrecognizable. She had always been thin but now her thinness was extreme due to other reasons having nothing to do with her natural disposition. Dark circles marked her eyes, her skin was ashen, her cheekbones sunken into her face the epitome of self destruction. I tried to hide my surprise but I am fairly sure I failed.
“Savannah? Wow I had not seen you in a while, how are you?” I immediately notice a baby boy clutching at her leg his green eyes curious at this stranger now before him. Dark curls shape his round face softly moving with every movement he made.
“Vanessa? I almost didn’t recognize you. Yes it’s been too long. I’ve been great busy with moving out and school stuff. Is this your son?” I bent down to be at eyelevel with him and smiled gently. He returned my smile proving once again that blood calls, a saying I had heard my mom say many times but never fully understood until now.
“Hi there little guy. I’m Savannah.” That memory will never leave me, he immediately outstretched his arms wanting an embrace. This small child not even knowing me shared his love and warmth with me. My cousin’s child had inherited that sweetness that she once had. We parted ways with false promises about keeping in touch.
Now in my room staring at the blank ceiling, that memory haunts me. I should have offered my help to her or shown her that I cared for her and would always be there for her. But instead I was too preoccupied with my own dilemmas. That now, honestly seems pointless and worthless. I was excited and ecstatic when I talked to her worrying about the color scheme of my comforters and linens. I guess karma was just waiting to strike. It was not long before I had a huge reality check, that the perfect college experience was not going to happen. So many plans so much excitement on my arrival soon turned to sadness, heart ache, and most importantly fear. I knew I would have to face being in college on my own but I drew some comfort from the fact that he would be there. That he would help guide me in the transition but I was wrong. I roll over on my side staring out the window now pitch black. The memory of my nephew stamped in my mind as I close my eyes and drift to sleep.
The next few days pass by in a blur a bunch of freshman just excited about being away from home and enjoying the welcoming festivities taking place during the week. Selene and I went to the events absorbing as much of the summer left as possible. I tried to enjoy myself and I did for the most part. But there were moments where silence and pain overcame me but instead of embracing that sadness and allowing myself to cry I welcomed the sweet numbness. A year of my life growing accustomed to someone who in the end would become bored with routine and seek adventure elsewhere, no closure, no explanation, no apology, just a simple message with six words that have the power to say it all. You are going to hate me. That was all but it was enough to connect the dots. Now as I stand in line the sun sending waves of heat down my back I wonder what it will be like to see him again. As if I called him with thought I see a somewhat familiar face in the distance. The air left me for a few seconds as mild recognition set in.
“Savannah are you alright?” Selene’s dark eyes filled with nothing but concern, after some time of casual conversation I had told her all about my troubled past. Something about her had caused me have immediate trust in her.
“I’m fine. I just thought I saw someone.” Selene’s eyebrows shoot up her mouth forming a small O as she grasps the meaning of my words. I had confided in her my story and now I did not feel so alone. All awhile my eyes travel following that head in the crowd, the crowd breaks apart like those cliché movies to allow both characters to see each other. This was nothing like that, a small petite girl stood by his side, obvious by their body language that there was much familiarity there. I saw this as clear as day but unlike in the movies he was oblivious to my presence solely focused on her. I did not know what to feel. I was hurt that was natural it had been less than a week since the incident but I could feel my walls building up bringing forward the numbness.
“Savannah look the ice cream stand line is letting up. Hurry let’s go!” I was pulled out of my thoughts. We rushed to the ice cream line. Momentarily distracted I forget instantly what I was thinking about. I stare at Selene who seems to preoccupied with the variety of choices of ice cream but something about her pulling me away makes me think that she did it with the sole purpose of helping me.  
“Now that we have our ice cream, what do you want to do?” I ask her careful to avoid glancing in the direction I had seen him. The constant tightness in my chest a reminder that as much as I try to pretend, my emotions were still there never wavering. 
“We can just walk around I guess. You know have more time to get to know each other and to be honest I need a distraction I miss my family so much.” Selene’s shoulders hunched over as she spoke. Her dark hair casts shadows on her face making it an even greater contrast against her pale skin.
“I have never been this far away from my family and knowing I won’t see them everyday pains me.” I knew exactly what she felt, we were both struggling in a new place away from everything familiar.

 Time flew by after that first week, the smoldering heat began to subside the once warm nights turned cold. People now wore coats and scarves instead of shorts and sandals. Summer had ended the only reminder it left behind was my tan skin and scarred heart. Time heals all, a cut eventually heals and all that’s left is a scar, a small reminder of the cut. It was not long before Selene and I followed a routine, classes, lunch, classes, dinner, homework, studying, and repeat the next day.
The chill in the air was even more prominent this Friday morning the crisp leaves blowing in every direction willingly moving to the winds command.
“Thank God after this final we get to go home for three weeks!” the exhilaration I felt at the idea of being home after such a long time of being away over powered any other emotion in me.
“I know girl, I can’t wait to be out of here. Do you have any plans for winter break?” Ivonne asks, she was now one of my closest friends. Ivonne was a free spirited and energetic person who I could always count on. She was exactly the person I wanted to be around, I felt no need to bring up anything from my past with her. After all this was a new start and a clean break for me.
“You know just spend time with the family, it has been way too long since I saw them. What about you? Any plans?” Ivonne’s grin could not have been any wider as she replied, “I am going to a dance convention with my little brother. I have been waiting for this all year.”
“Oh right I remember you bringing it up a couple of times.”
“Oh and catch on my sleep!” she says with a giggle while pointing at the dark circles under her eyes. I laugh pointing at the dark skin that was now etched under my eyes, after all those late nights studying.
“The sad part though is I won’t be able to spend time with my friends from back home, things are still tense.” Poor Ivonne, she cared to deeply for her friends when they did not show her the care she deserved. She had various arguments with them over the course of the quarter. I tried to advise her as best I could. I explained to her how friendships should not be pushed after all a friendship is never one-sided. She drew comfort from my words and knew that things would work out but she still stressed about losing those friendships.
“It’s ok once you are back home and you get to spend time with them, things will go back to the way they were.” I smile at her reassuringly, even though I no longer believed things went back to the way they once were. After all, things do not happen the same way twice. Things change and sometimes never go back to being the way they were. This year for me was a clear example of that. New friendships were born as old friendships perished. Everything evolved in a way to help make a person become the person they were meant to be.
The winter festivities in my home followed the routine they did every year, breakfast with the family followed by casual conversation. I had missed these mornings, with the sun shining through the blinds casting lines on the kitchen counter top gently welcoming the start of a new day. The anticipation of Christmas and New Year had everyone extra cheerful, my little sister was especially in a good mood. We were close but Hannah was going through a phase, where she did not want to talk to anyone and even a simple comment would set her off in a rant. But she surprised me, the moment she saw me she embraced me and talked to me the whole way back home. “You will never believe what happened!” were her first words as I slid in the car next to her. My little sister was growing up as a high school freshman she had attended her first dance. She wished I would have been there, advising her on shoes and make up. Although I was only a phone call away, she had held back, thinking that she was a bother to me. She knew that I had too many things on my mind and been preoccupied with school and what not but it hurt me to think that I had not given my sister more attention. I always thought she did not want me there simply because I was her older sister the role model my parents set before her and to top it off we had been blessed with the fortune to have names that rhymed my parents little inside joke. Savannah and Hannah very original.
“Savannah come help me.” I slide of the counter walking to stand by my sister. I grab another knife to help her cut strawberries for our pancakes.
“No, tilt the knife downward and angle it to your right. It makes the slices come out even.” Hannah explains to me how knowing how to maneuver your knife is extremely important in cooking.
It was not long before Christmas Eve came. It was how it always was every year, mountains of food overflowing the foldable tables brought in from the garage. All the kids running around the house, impatiently waiting for the clock to strike twelve. The whole family gathered together for the holidays and it was especially nice to be surrounded by all of my loved ones after being so far away from them. The feeling of unity and family over powered anything else.
“How has your first year in college been?” was the question asked by almost every single family member. My response would always be the same that my year was going just fine. The moment Vanessa walked in the room the atmosphere tensed for a few seconds, it had been years since she joined us for the holidays. To my dismay she did not look any better than how I had seen her a few months back. Her body was pure sharp angles, her bones threatening to break the skin if she stretched too much. She was the complete contrast to what healthy would look like. My family’s bodies would naturally gravitate away from her, I couldn’t blame them I had been witness to her outbursts and many times caused unnecessary altercations.
Her son, Sam, in her arms smiled widely at seeing the festivities of the house for the first time, but his mother lacked his enthusiasm. Small talk picked up after a few minutes of awkward silence. My Aunt Marie embraced Sam her grandson but disregarded her daughter. After all it had been too many times in which Vanessa had betrayed her mother’s trust. Aunt Marie lifted Sam from her daughter’s arms and brought him over to us. The toddler squealed in delight from seeing the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. His green eyes shown in the dim light casted by the glimmering lights. It is sad to think that he most likely doesn’t get to see this type of peace and unity at home. Although he was no more than a year old I could see so much knowledge in those little eyes. He had seen things that no innocent child should have to see, those sweet eyes help pain within the depths of the forest green folds of the iris. A small coo called my attention back to the room. Sam stretched out his arms to me, the instant smile across my face is as responsive as his giggle when I wrap him up in my arms.
“Don’t you worry everything will be alright. You will be ok. I promise that nothing bad will ever happen to you.” I whisper so only he hears me, I place a gentle kiss to his forehead as his mom rips him from my arms. Some protective instinct came over her for some reason as if I was taking her baby away from her. It’s true that there was a connection between us but that was because we were family, he was my only nephew and I loved him even if I had not known him long.  There was something in her eyes I could not place, I was unsure whether it was realization mixed with resignation. But resignation to what?
“He really likes you, you know? I haven’t seen him warm up to somebody so quick. It took him a while to get comfortable with my mom.” She says to me as she adjust her shirt quickly which had been pulled up when Sam had been transferred to her arms. She had not been quick enough, I saw the purple blue splotches on the side of her stomach. What had my cousin got herself into, where a sweet energetic girl who used to dance and sing with me now stood a ghost, pale and lifeless.
“I guess he just feels that I am his aunt and that I love him very much.” I take his little chubby hand in mine as I answer Vanessa’s question.
“You have always been good with kids, something I am not good at. Sam would be better off with a mother like you.” She confesses, there it was again that resignation in her voice.
“Don’t say that. You are great with Sam and that is all that matters.”
“Ah. If you only knew.” Her shoulders sag, so much defeat in this simple action. I did not know what she went through on a daily basis.  Whether it was fighting her addiction or succumbing to it, only she knew.

My winter break went by in a blur, breakfast with the family, late movie nights with my sister, family gatherings, and warm nights in my own bed. Adapting once again to life as a college student took me a couple of days, the nostalgia of being away from my family once again returning. A few weeks into the new quarter I was surprised to find a familiar person at the door steps of my building.
“Hey Savannah, I hope you don’t mind me barging in like this. Your mom gave me your address.” Vanessa stands before me, bleached hair, ripped jeans and her signature baggy sweater making it even more evident how underweight she is. Sam is in her arms playing with the diaper bag strap, his little finger trying to lift the strap from his mothers shoulder.
“No it’s fine, it’s great to have you two here.” I slide my key in and open the door for the both of him. As I am about to open my apartment door Vanessa hands me Sam and his diaper bag.
“I forgot something in the car. I’ll be right back.” She says without looking at me, as I watch her back as she walks away I notice her steps falter, but after a few seconds the faltering stops replaced by determination in each step. She looks back, just once, her bleached hair flowing as she turns her head to glance at Sam and me. Her eyes are sad, but you can see the tranquility in them as well. She is letting go, she is giving her son a new start. A new beginning. A clean slate.