September 12, 2019

The past couple of days, I had started to make a “friend” I guess I would call her. Making friends is something I have never been really able to do. People would call me “shy”. I guess I just enjoyed being alone, until now. She came to me slowly. It started by small whispers to full blown screams. She would comfort me and talk to me about my life. She has been with me constantly the past couple of days. She was loud, yet it was a voice that I had found exquisite. The day I had finally seen the girl behind this voice was the the best day of my life. Now, I know I won’t feel so alone all the time. She was right there, right in front of me at that moment. She was in the form of my hopes and dreams, something I have never had. She feels like warmth, like a warm sunny day. It feels nice since I have been feeling very cold these past few months. Not necessarily on the outside since it is early fall right now, but on the inside. I am not too sure how to explain it, but this voice is a breathe a fresh air. My voice told me to call her “Togo Shitcho Sho”, I call her Togo for short. Togo captivates my mind and fills me up with ideas, she is this radiate part of my life.

The day I first saw Togo, I was laying in my bed at my parent’s house at the time. I had asked her to show me her face, being that I have only heard her voice. I had just wanted to see her. Togo agreed and she came over, sneaking in through my window at around four in the morning.

“Hello Jack, I’m here for you. Forever and Always.” Togo had said to me when she first saw me.

“No one could separate us Togo. You’re my best friend.” I had so happily said to her.

From that day on, she was always with me; never leaving my side.

All I can think about was showing her to my mom. She would be so proud and happy for me that I had found a friend. Togo was not to keen on this idea though.

“They wouldn’t understand our relationship Jack. Keep me hidden, keep me on the inside.” Togo would say over and over.

October 8, 2019

Today marks a couple weeks since I have been talking to Togo. She is becoming more and more real in my life by the second. It scares me when my mom hears me talking to her, she is starting to ask questions.

“Who are you talking to Jack? Who is there?” She would ask as a I push Togo in my closet to hide.

Togo told me my mom wouldn’t like her, that she refuses to meet my mom. Togo is such a bright and happy girl though, my mom loves bright and happy. Togo could give her the positive energy that I fail to give her. I want her to meet my mom because from a young age, my mom has always been kinda worried for me, I think. It makes her nervous that I cannot make friends or interact with other kids my age, or any age. I mean, I did have one back in 10th grade, his name was Roger. Roger and I hung out a few times but he grew apart from me, I’m not too sure why. He said I was “a weirdo”, but whatever, I liked being alone. Social events have never been my ideal place to be, it makes me nervous and my heart begins to go a thousand miles and minute. Once I graduated from high school, I knew I can finally just be comfortable at home. That is why I think I like Togo so much, she makes me feel at ease and relaxed. She doesn't get me anxious; she understands me, and I hope that doesn’t change.

    October 10, 2019

Togo has become increasingly mad at me, I told my mom about her and she hid. My mom did not believe she was really there, so now I look crazy haha. I just could not hold it back anymore, she is becoming my life. My mom said something to me but I could not concentrate to what exactly she was saying, Togo kept whispering to me behind the kitchen door to get away from her. I listened to her and walked away from my mom, Togo told me she was trying to tell me to not be friends with her.

    “Tomorrow at 3, be ready Jack” is what I can hear from my mom as I race up the wooden stairs to get back to my room.

I did not respond, just shut my door. Togo also has invited me to meet a couple of her friends. I’m not sure of their names but by the way she speaks of them, they seem nice. They’re coming over tonight.

    October 11, 2019

    I have gotten to know Togo’s friends. I am not sure how to act around them but to me, it feels like they act for me. Their emotions come onto me, I guess I have always been one to be very absorbent with the energy around me. For example, if my mom is sad and I see her, I get sad too. Right now, she seems to be sad these  past couple of days, therefore, so have I. This seems to be the case with Togo’s friends. She told me they’re staying with her so I will see them very often. This one friend of hers, Utsubyo, makes me feel anxious and kinda sad. Seeing and hearing him makes it feel as I have a boulder on my chest and I cannot breathe. I am not too sure why but just the things he said to me is very blunt and he makes me mind race a thousands thoughts a second. He makes me think bad things about myself but pointing out my flaws.

    “No one loves you” Utsubyo said once we have been talking for a bit.

Not very nice for meeting someone for the first time, but I don’t like to judge. Togo’s other friends are a lot like Utsubyo. They make my head hurt and this one especially terrifies me. Her name is Sandy. She makes me think there is a constant rainstorm going on in my mind. I can’t seem to think positively when I am around her. My mom would always tell me that I am who I surround myself, I guess that is the case in this situation. Anyways, Sandy does not look like anyone I have ever seen, I mean she has this dark glow to her and whispers things to me I do not enjoy.

    “Let’s go out.” Sandy said at around three in the morning.

I told her it is way past my curfew and I can’t. All of them, including Togo, began to grow louder and louder as they were pressuring me to go out. They were so loud I was scared my mom and dad would wake up. Our walls in the house are a little thin so my parents can hear things from my room if it is loud enough.

    “Please be quiet!” I silently yell to them

I went to bed as they continued to talk, I’m starting to feel anxious.

October 11, 2019

I woke up this morning. My mom comes knocking the door to my room but I just can’t seem to open it. I feel tired, even after sleeping. I tell her to go away in an angry tone. I shock myself, as I have never really spoken to her that way before.

“She is so annoying, just ignore her” Sandy told me.

I start to get upset, I thought Sandy has left. As I look around, I see they are still there sitting on my bed.

    “...Jack, 3:00 be ready.” My mom screams.

I do not know where we are going but Togo and her friend’s tell me not to go. I have to go though, my mom would get so mad if I didn’t.

    “Where are we going?” I yell to her through the door since Utsubyo wanted to know.

    “Doctor appointment honey.” She responds in a voice that had an emotion behind it, I just cannot tell which one it was exactly.

    “She is trying to get rid of you” Utsubyo says

    “She does not love you” Sandy said at the same time as Utsubyo

    “Jack, do not tell anyone about my friend’s and I. They wouldn’t understand.” Togo follows.

    “Please stop talking for a second guys, I can’t think!” I say in an anxious tone.

My head hurts again.

    “What?” says my mom in a confusing, almost distressed tone.

    “I am talking to Togo.” I reply.

    “Stop Jack, she doesn't like me” I hear Togo say.

    “3:00 Jack.” My mom says as she opens my door with a facial expression that I just can’t read while I am still laying in bed.

Togo, Utsubyo, and Sandy all hide so my mom doesn't see them. How did they do that so fast?

    October 12, 2019

    My doctor appointment yesterday was strange. Togo and her friends came with me. My mom didn’t acknowledge them. We went to this clinic where I saw my usual doctor, Dr. Manning. He asked me about my new friends and I told him about them, even how Utsubyo and Sandy said mean things to me. He looked concern as he shines a light in my eyes, I guess that’s the face you can call it. Dr. Manning gave me this blood test and a drug test, at least I think that’s what it was.

    “Do you take drugs or anything of that sort Jack?” Dr. Manning asked as he takes my blood pressure

I had told him no, since that’s the truth. I don’t believe in drinking or drugs. I tried drinking once a year or so ago by myself in my room and I began to grow sad. My mind begins producing many dark thoughts, like the ones Utsubyo and Sandy give me. I do not like it and I told Dr. Manning that. He nodded his head and began asking when I met my friends. I told him how Togo just came to me a couple weeks ago.

    “Is Togo or her friends here right now?” Dr. Manning asked

They actually were but they were hiding.

    “Tell him no Jack” Togo said

    “Yeah” I had said to Dr. Manning as I look at Togo.

I told Dr. Manning yes anyways because I do not like lying.

    “This is why no one likes you, not even Dr. Manning. He is manipulating and tricking you” Utsubyo yelled

    “He is going to tear us apart” Togo said angrily

    “This is why you are so stupid” Sandy said with a laughter

    “Please shut up!” I yell.

    “What? Who Jack?” Dr. Manning questioned.

    “My friends” I answered him.

I didn’t wanna tell him anymore. What if Utsubyo was right? That all he was trying to do was manipulate me and tear me away from my friends. I felt like my mind all these years was like this big mansion and it was empty. The walls were covered in nothing, no paintings or paint. No expression and personality within my “house”. With my friends, it seems like my house was filling up. The paintings and quotes on the wall were dark, but that is better than them being empty. I couldn’t lose them, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t feel lonely anymore, I don’t think I would survive it.

    “Jack?” Dr. Manning said to bring me back to reality.

What is reality with all the questions running through my mind though?

    “Jack!” He said again.

    “What?” I replied still staring at the plain white wall with a poster on it. It was the poster where they ask you to rate your pain on a scale 1 through 10. I thought about how my pain would go to 10 without someone in my house.

    “Go outside, I need to talk to your mother privately.”

    “Okay”

I walked out of his office into the bright halls of the clinic. I was struck with the smell of all the disinfectants as I continued walking and saw Togo, Utsubyo, and Sandy waiting for me at the end of the hall. They are starting to look different; more dark.

    “Worthless” Utsubyo says.

    “Stupid” Sandy follows

    “Jack just leave. Don’t wait for your mom” Togo continues

I just wanted quiet for a little bit so I sat down and closed my eyes but I all I can hear was screams from them. I’ve started to feel sad again, I just wanted to feel okay. Something I haven’t felt in a little while. Doctors are supposed to make you feel okay, right? Why do I still feel like this then? I felt nauseous and dizzy from all the lights and screams. Maybe I should go back inside the office.

    “He will only make you feel worse, just get up and leave Jack” Togo said

    “He is making fun of you right now, him and your mom” Utsubyo said

    “Laughing at how dumb and worthless you are” Follows Sandy

    “STOP” I yell at Togo, Utsubyo, and Sandy.

I get looks from the waiting room, I just wanted to go home. I want them in my life but at this moment, I just wanted to shut them out.

    October 13, 2019

Today is my dad’s birthday.  Yesterday when I got home, I heard my parents arguing.

    “He is turning into your mother!” I heard my father scream loudly to my mom from downstairs.

I never asked what Dr. Manning said to my mom, my friends were harassing me all night; they wanted to know. My mom was crying, I heard her. Utsubyo said it was because of me. I was crying last night too. I had my doors locked and it was bad night. My parents where knocking all last night, I just do not wanna see them. What use is that? Parents are made to care for you and keep you going. Well, Utsubyo told me my parents don’t love me or care for me; that they are they only people I have, that being Utsubyo, Sandy, and Togo. I believe her because what reason does Utsubyo have to lie to me? So no, I did not open the door. They are better off without me anyways. Togo has started to become mean to me too. She is starting to scare me, her appearance is changing more and more each day. She doesn't look the radiate and warm girl that made me feel at ease and relaxed anymore. Togo looks..dark? That is the only way I can describe it. I don’t like her and or her friends but they won’t go away, they told me so. I begin to think though, do I want them to go away? They make me feel awful, but I’m not alone. This thunderstorm in my mind is still going on and my heart continues to speed rapidly.

“Son?’ My dad says through my door, jumping me back to reality.

I do not answer

    “JACK!” He yells, it makes me jump and start to tear up.

Why is he yelling? What have I done?

    “You disappoint him” Utsubyo tells me.

I decide to open the door and greet him face to face.

    “Yes?” I ask him shakingly. “Happy birthday by the way dad.”

    “Jack, I am going away for a few days, your mom needs her space from me I think, and so do you. I love you, don’t forget that” My dad explains.

    “Wait, where are you going? Dad?” I began to yell and question.

He cannot just leave us. He is coming back though, right?

    “I love you” was all he said as he walked away.

    “See? He doesn't love you. I mean, who could?” Sandy said in a laughing voice.

I wish she would stop. I wish they would all stop. I don’t wanna be with them anymore. I just wanna lock them in a room in my mind and throw away that key. That way, I will not be alone but at least I won't have to see them. I spend the rest of the day laying in my twin sized bed. Sandy lays on top of me, she is making it hard for me to breathe and I begin to panic.

    “Be my friend, please” I plead to them as they all fill my head with dark whispers.

That is how my night is spent, just me laying in my bed crying, unable to breathe. Why am I crying? Why won’t they leave me alone? Why won’t Sandy just get off of me? These thoughts race my mind. It is at this moment, I just would rather feel nothing. My mom tried checking up on me a couple times, I choose to ignore her. I don’t want to upset her more than I have already. I mean, I am probably the reason dad left.

    October 14, 2019

    Utsubyo, Sandy, and Togo have found a way to captivate my mind. They are writing on the walls in it. The mirrors are covered in hatred and dark quotes. They have pushed me into a room with them and locked the door behind them. I know I said I wanted them locked in a room, but I did not wanna be with them. They keep writing on the walls. It is telling me to eat this candy. I guess it is supposed to make me feel happy and feel full of life again. The candy they are telling me to eat will make my mom happy again and my dad will come back. So I go ahead and do that. I wait till my mom is downstairs in the kitchen or living room. I know if I make a sound, she will run upstairs to see me. My wooden floors are a little creaky but I have lived in this house forever, so I know which steps to take to not make a sound. As I hear the T.V. turn on to some local news station here in Newport, I quickly make my way to the bathroom and take the candy my friends told me to eat. This will make me feel happy again. My walls will be cleared up with happy writing. I will feel okay again, and so will everyone else around me. My friends are proud of me for doing as they say. I go back to my room, making noise since I am not too careful with my steps because I start to feel tired. The candy isn’t working yet, I guess it takes time. I then shortly start to fall asleep. I hear my mom come upstairs saying my name but I am too tired to answer. I feel weak, yet I begin to feel free. The voice’s of my friends begin to grow quieter. I start to realize I have been crying this entire time, I don’t know why. I’m doing this to be happy again, shouldn’t I be happy?

    “JACK!” was the last thing I heard in a sobbing voice before I fell asleep.

    October 17, 2019

    I have woken up in a room, it was white and extremely bright. I am getting dizzy from being in here. I hear machines beeping, I start to get anxious. Where am I? It is the same smell I remember smelling in Dr. Manning’s office. Where is Togo, Sandy,    or Utsubyo?

    “Jack?” I hear a faint whisper but it isn’t one of them, it is my mom.

    “Where am I?” I ask while realizing how dry my mouth is.

    “Hospital honey” she replies

I began to wonder why? I just wanted to make her happy and myself happy. By the look of her face and tear stains under her eyes, I realized I have failed in doing so.

    “Such a failure” I hear but I cannot make it out who it is, I think it is all three of my friend’s talking.

    “Couldn’t even do this right”

    “Look how upset you have made your mom, you are such a waste” Sandy, Utsubyo, and Togo kept on saying.

I start to cry, begging my mom to help me make them stop. I tell her what they are saying and the voices just get louder and louder.

    “Honey, you are going away for a bit when we leave here. People will help you get rid of them” she says fighting to hold back her tears.

Is she really sad? I do not know why. I was just trying to make her happy and make dad come back. Neither which I have succeeded on, but what is new.

    “Do not let her do that Jack. We are here forever” My friends say.

I am not sure I want to call them my friends anymore, as I see them as demons invading my mind and life. Being alone is better than being with them, but being sent away is not ideal for me either.

    “Why do you want to get rid of me mom?” I ask her

    “No, I love you. I want you to get better” She replies

    “Will it make you happy?” I ask

    “You getting better will make me happier than ever”

That is all I want. I do not want to cause pain to anyone anymore. My mind is a category four hurricane right now. The sirens are going off, warning me of the voices who can be the reason I don’t survive. I feel betrayed by them, why do all my friends go away or treat me this way.

    “She is trying to tear us apart Jack, don’t be useless. Stop her” They all say in unison.

I ignore them as a begin to fill with a deep sadness and drift off to sleep in this hard cold hospital room, awaiting to depart to where I go next. I feel my mom squeezing my hand tight and suddenly, for the first time since I can remember, I feel a little bit of warmth inside me.

    October 19, 2019

    We left early in the next morning after I woke up in the hospital. The drive was about 30 minutes. My mom already had a bag packed for me by the time I woke up. I can’t help but feel a little sad by this, she seems eager for me to go. I know she said why I was leaving, to help myself but I have Sandy is telling me this place I’m going to is dangerous. How they will manipulate me into letting them go, but that is exactly what I want to do. I am in a place where I realize how toxic and scary they are to me. My mansion needs to be burned down with them in it and rebuilt into a place where I can thrive and be happy.

    “Welcome. My name is Dr. Samuelson, allow me to talk to your mom and show you to the room you will be staying in during your stay” This lady said to me as I walked in in this neutral, yet welcoming voice.

My mom and the doctor talk while I sit for a little bit, then I see her walking in my direction.

    “I am leaving now honey. I love you and you will be in my thoughts everyday until I see you. It won’t be long.”  My mom says with tears in her eyes.

    “Promise me this makes you happy?” I questioned. I needed her reassurance that she will be okay.

    “Promise” She says as she pulls me into a deep long hug.

There it was again, that little bit of warmth.

    October 20, 2019

    The people here seem to be a lot like me. I have met a couple people who seem to have made friends like mine. By the way they describe them, you would think Sandy, Utsubyo, and Togo were everywhere. Yet, they seem happy. Something I am not quite feeling yet. The doctors have given me medicine to take after have a chat with me. They make Sandy, Utsubyo, and Togo go away. They have also told me I am sick, nothing Dr. Manning could have treated though. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety. The medicine makes me feel almost nothing, but I guess that’s how it is for everyone once they start. I feel nothing right now, it is a lot better than those feelings I was having the past couple of weeks. I have to go to a thing called “group therapy”, this is where we sit in a small room on comfortable soft couches and all talk about how we feel and things we can do to make things better. The doctors have warned me that if for some reason I stop my medication, things will go back to the way they were, if not worse. This idea scared me, for I am in the process of burning the mansion in my mind down. I feel like I am escaping my demons, the ones my mind created.

    October 24, 2019

    I am sitting in a twin sized in my bedroom. I have a roommate named Daniel. Daniel has depression like mine. We would talk about the struggles we went through and how it has affected us. Now thinking with a clear mind, I think it has been with me longer than I have thought. I mean, I have felt down for a lot of my life. I just thought it was normal. It was not until recently where it all just got worse. When the voices would poison my mind and make me feel unimaginable pain on the inside. Talking to Daniel helps me a lot. I am feeling okay these days. The coldness I have been feeling is slowly being replaced with light and warmth, as if my mom is giving me those long hugs from all the way where she is.

    October 31, 2019

    Today is Halloween and also the day I return home. I haven’t heard from Sandy, Utsubyo, and Togo since the second day I got here. I am still feeling okay, maybe a little better than okay. I have to take my medication and stray away from other substances, that can make me bad again. The doctor’s also told me to come back if I hear those voices again, that they will only do me harm if I keep them around. I have made some friends at the facility I was at. Daniel leaves in a week and we have made plans to hang out, I am excited since I do not think I have ever connected with someone they way I do with Daniel. As I walk out the door in the big living room that leads to the waiting area, I see my mom. I began to grow this feeling I have never genuinely felt before, I think this is what people call happy. My heart feels warm and my thoughts are silent.

    “Hi mom” I greet her with a hug and a smile on my face. “I am so happy to see you” I say and meaning it.

There are tears down her face, but she is smiling. She hugs me tighter and sobs.

    “Are you okay” I grow concerned but shortly realize that she is crying out of happiness.

    “Yes, I am happy, just like I promised you I would be” She replies still crying.

The smile on my face is still there. We walk out of the building after she talks to Dr. Samuelson about my medication. I promised them both I would take it. My mind is beginning to build another mansion, but this time it is a mansion with yellow paint and beautiful paintings on the wall. It has the windows open with the light of the sun shining in. I know I now have the ability to build my life up again. I will have obstacles to face, but I also know that I now have the strength to fight through them.