*the first few sentences ARENT really hooking.

I'm just gonna tell you in advance; I write my comments live so they are often pretty lengthy. So here we go. The first few sentences are really... Hooking. Make me UNABLE to look away from your story. Also please use the correct punctuation. You might want to develop the Shelby's character a bit more before you launch into the party... I suggest showing more of her work-y side just to better form the character. Also, describe your setting a bit better. I didn't even know she was at work until she said she was going home. I love how you describe hair in bun being "suffocated." That's so accurate! Please watch your grammar inside dialogue... I understand that might not be your first priority, but grammar is never something you leave behind. Never. I wouldn't describe him lifting her up like a rag doll... I get your point but a rag doll seems too sloppy. I really like how you make her relax, then think about work, then relax, and think about work... All back-and-forth. That's realistic. When Heather and Shelby get on the phone call, I can't tell who is talking. You might break up your paragraphs/dialogue more just for the ease of the reader. Confusing ending! I know what happened, but it's confusing. Explain it better; drag it out. And don't end so suddenly. Put a cute little ending on it. Overall, very cool. Work on grammar and overall story structure to improve your writing.