I really hadn't thought about it recently. My mum dying I mean, yet over the next few weeks I had found myself remembering it more and more. It hadn't been violent, or unexpected, we had watched her waste away for months in a hospital bed. That's when Jakob took an interest in working there, it turned out to be a tumor, in the end, the headaches had been going on for ages. After they found it, she's just gotten worse, it was almost a relief when she went. I'm not heartless, I didn't want her to, I loved my mum. None of us could stand seeing her in so much pain.
She'd smiled at me, the day she died, smiled and said “I love you, my good boy”. Jakob hadn't cried, he had seemed almost cheerful, I knew mum appreciated it. I wish I could have been that strong, but I couldn't help but cry. I didn't blub! Just, quietly, when she said goodbye. She'd told us she knew that was the day she was going to go. Told all her doctors too, they'd said they wold do there best to save her, yet she'd assured them it was okay, she was fine with it. Dad certainly wasn't, keeping his brave face on around mum he had yelled at the doctors in the hallway. Insisting that they save her, in the end there was nothing to be done.
But now, for some reason, I've been dreaming of it. Sitting beside that bed, the tears streaming down my cheeks. My mother weary, reassuring smile, red hair tumbling over the pillow as her eyes closed for the last time. I shook my head, clearing it, mum hadn't had red hair. It had been chestnut brown, I suppose the thoughts of the hospital had brought back the last couple of weeks visiting Gwen.
Jakob had started taking me to work with him on the weekends, and I'd spend hours at a time with her. She'd changed a lot, no longer strapped down, she'd wander around the room, her hands moving animatedly when she spoke. She even ate better, although still immensely slender, her hollow cheeks had filled out slightly, leaving her heart shaped face still more attractive to me. Not that that was why I saw her, she was interesting, weird but in a very good way. Her smile was common, and seemed to bring the sun out with it. I had to admit, I did fancy her, a lot actually. That would be me, the guy who falls for the traumatized stranger locked away in a hospital. Gwen never spoke about home, her family, or anything that had happened to her before the rocks. She was always very interested in my life though, school most of all, and people. She wanted to meet Luke, claiming that,
“I find it curious, you speak about him as if you dislike him, yet he's your friend?”
“Yeah well,” I had replied, “he's a prick, but my mate.” Her expression had only become more curious, and in the end, 6 weeks after I had first met her, I brought Luke along with me. The poor bloke had been pissing himself about it, asking a million questions all the way there, what kind of guy did she like? Should he tell one of his dirty jokes, or a clean one? Was she a virgin? That one had annoyed me,
“How the hell am I supposed to know?” I had snapped, in his car on the ride over,
“Well why haven't you asked?” He acted as if you could just ask girls that, then again, Luke usually could. I didn't think it would be that way with Gwen, although I had not claim over her, I felt as if she liked me too, and Luke didn't seem her type. I hadn't asked her much about romances, though she had told me about one guy, and smirked when she spoke about him. Worried, I had asked if they were still in contact, she'd raised an eyebrow,
“No. I won't be hearing from him again, don't want to be.” Her sour tone had raised my spirits, she had been very insistent about knowing about my love life. Made me describe each girl, although the slight twinge of jealousy that shadowed her features when I told her made me stop. She'd look up at me, give me a smile, and ask me to continue. She was most interested in what I had been up to sexually, making me explain any kisses I mentioned, how it felt to be close to someone like that. Embarrassment didn't seem to be in her vocabulary, and she drank up every word.
When Luke and I arrived, she was strangely enough sitting on her bed and cupping her breasts through her hospital gown. I yelped, clapping a hand over my eyes, I could hear Luke's breathing deepen as he leered at her through the doorway. She seemed undisturbed, and let go with her left hand, waving us in.
“What on earth are you doing?” I had asked, attempting to keep my eyes on her face.
“I was wondering what it felt like.” She had smiled cheerfully, finally letting go. Luke couldn't tear his eyes away from her chest, the bumps under the gown alerting him of her hardened nipples. Gwen smiled at him, seeming not to mind,
“Hello,” she twisted round on her bed to face him completely, “I'm Gwen, you're Luke, Matt's friend.” the hand she held out to shake he took gleefully, as if touching that hand meant he had touched her chest also. The awkward silence that followed was terrible, and left me with too much in my head to process properly. It felt almost wrong to share my time with Gwen with anyone, let alone Luke. Yet there they sat, they began to talk, and I watched them. He asked all the same questions I had, avoiding questions about family, as I had warned him to. I felt like an outsider, looking in on a conversation, I was like a kid, sulking over my friend speaking to someone else. God, it felt pathetic, but I knew Luke's track record. My stomach dropped as the conversation, as typical when between teenagers, turned to sex.
Luke's grin became wicked, that glimmer entered his eyes, and the dance began. Now when I say dance, what I mean is Luke's game with girls. If they're a good enough partner, their “dancing” (flirting) almost manages to match his. His first question was another I had warned him against, yet he blurted it out before I could stop him,
“So, you ever gone all the way?” she blinking, registering what he had said for a second, then shaking her head.
“No,” she smiled, “my parents were always really protective, but now I think I may find a special guy.” I snapped my head up, and caught her beaming to herself, staring at the ceiling as if she could see a whole world of possibility through it. It was the first time she'd mentioned her parents, it was odd to see that she seemed glad to be rid of them. Cautiously, I asked,
“When you're out of the hospital... where do you think you'll live?” Her answer surprised me, actually almost made me fall right out of my chair.
“Jakob says he wants me to come live with you guys. And enroll in the school.”
“J-Jakob says..?” I stuttered, and she nodded exuberantly, Luke shot me a “YES!” look over her shoulder.
“Your dad say's that would be okay...” she said, her excitement waning at my expression,
“No! No! It sounds fine! Just a shock. I mean, it's good that we can help you out.” I forced a smile onto my face, which kind of felt like it had been tasered. All sorts of fantasies ran through my mind for the rest of the hour. She'd sleep in the attic room, I could put up fairy-lights for her, little sparkling ones that spread across the ceiling. What if I walked in on her showering? I could see her, the steam rising through the air, the warm water running down her fair skin. She'd open the shower's clear door, smile at me, and beckon with one finger. I wouldn't be able to resist, closing the bathroom door behind me, I'd pull my clothes off, discard them on the ground. Her eyes would run over my body as I move to join her in the shower, soon they would be replaced by her soft hands. Soft hands that would start on my chest, explore my torso, I'd lean down and wrap my arms around her. Pick her up and push her against the wall of the shower, pressing out soaking bodies together. I wouldn't be able to help but press my lips against hers, she'd be cautious at first, gentle. Soon they'd move with more ferocity, desperation almost. Both of us would know, we needed it, needed one another.
Oh god, thinking about her naked, touching me like that, with her in touching distance. I felt my length stiffen, and I gritted my teeth, I couldn't get hard now. We would have to leave any minute, I'd have to stand up and I just knew they'd notice, and if Luke noticed I was fucked. He'd yell it out to the entire hospital. The entire village. I'd have to think about something else, think about gross things!
Gwen and I's shower time was suddenly interrupted, mostly by her turning into Luke's grandmother. Yeah, that fixed the problem, actually after that visual I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get a boner again. Through the babble of Luke's and Gwen's voices, I heard the door open, Jakob popped his head in,
“Matt? You here- Oh.” He caught sight of Luke, who had driven me up today, “Hey Luke.” Jakob's voice became oppressing, and he glared at him with disapproval. Luke scooted his chair a little further from Gwen's bed, he may act like he can take on the world, but he's damn scared of Jakob.
“Hey mate.” Luke grinned, playing the friendly bloke, “Matt just decided to introduce me to Gwen, she says she'll be moving in with you guys.”
Jakob smiled kindly at Gwen, and she looked at him with a smitten grin. She obviously liked Jakob, in a school-girl-crush kind of way, but I knew there was no possibility of that happening. It was Luke that worried me.
We gathered our things, as Jakob waited outside, Luke had the audacity to lean in and give Gwen a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye. Her resulting blush was just the reaction he wanted, I felt awkward saying goodbye today, but I wasn't going to be outdone by Luke. I hugged her as usual, but this time made it warmer, loving how cool her body was compared to my heat. She seemed surprised at the bear-hug, but returned it with enthusiasm. I could feel my heart in my throat, it wasn't the first time we'd touched, but it was the first time I'd dared to put anything into it. I pulled away before my stiffy could come back.
“I'll see you next week, that's when I'll be moving in.” she had said, waving goodbye to all three of us through the doorway. The look on her face was delight, as if the attention was her own kind of drug. I didn't blame her, washed up on the rocks and no one comes looking? It was about time she got that attention. Didn't girls kind of need it anyway? The idea that someones looking.
Jakob drove me home, and Luke went to some girls place. In the car Jakob was silent, in “I'm mad and acting like your father” mode. After a while I grew tired of it,
“Just tell me whats pissing you off and get it over with.” I sighed.
“I told you not to bring Luke.” He said, I could hear his teeth grinding from the passenger seat.
“He's alright Jakob!” I argued for my friend,
“Do you have any idea how vulnerable that girl is?! I get it, that mate of yours is a ladies man, but he cannot play with Gwen like that. She's incredibly unstable! I need you to respect her, and protect her whilst she's living with us.”
He wouldn't have to worry about that, it had been such a short time with Gwen, a few hours over a handful of weeks, but I already felt protective of her. Was it normal? Guys get protective over injured girls all the time right? It's like animal instinct, I bet they were like that in cave-people days as well. Other than the fact that they may have clubbed their women on the heads when they wanted some. Not that I'm thinking about clubbing Gwen on the head! Oh god, now I'm trying to defend myself to my own brain. This is ridiculous, and I have a feeling I'm going to get a million times more ridiculous when she moves in.
The moment we were home I locked myself in my cozy little room, stripped, and lay on my bed. Running the shower scene (minus Luke's grandmother) over in my mind again. I couldn't help it, I'd have to have a tug. I usually never did with Jakob or dad home, and even then, only in the middle of the night. Thinking about her and doing this, it was heaven. Of course, it would be so much better to be holding her, touching her, hear her voice moan my name. Shit, how would I handle seeing her every day, and with Summer break on it's way, not even school would be a distraction. I finished pretty averagely, cleaned up, and pulled some boxers on. I was asleep in minutes, thinking mostly of Gwen, and showers.

She didn't bring anything. Stupid of me to have assumed, I had cleared out the attic, including its massive old wardrobe, but I hadn't thought she wouldn't have any belongings. Jakob had collected her from the hospital, and she was all smiles, wearing the clothes from the hospital lost and found. A scruffy t-shirt and over-sized jeans held up by a thick belt. Bouncing up the front step and into the hallway as if she'd been there forever. She hugged me as if she'd been in my arms forever. “Matt!” she trilled as I breathed in a gulp of her delicious scent, “You never said weeks take so long!” Jakob and I laughed, yet she seemed utterly serious, her eyes drinking in each and every detail of the house she could see from where she stood. Jakob was carrying one small bag of hers though, and as she bounded up the stairs we glanced at one another. “What's in her bag?” I asked, and he opened it for me, revealing its contents of about seven books. “They hospital staff gave them to her to read, and I think she stole them.” He looked very amused, and I couldn't help but smile too. The thought of eccentric, sweet Gwen as a master, well mistress, criminal was beyond funny. Then again, who was I to be a judge of character? She could be the biggest bullshitter in history for all I knew. I'd have to go on instinct, and not just on how nice it felt to have her body pressed against mine as she threw her arms around me. She was clattering around upstairs, and we realized we should really go supervise her, or at least have the chivalry to show her to her room...And stay in her room... and introduce her to her bed... Damn it, I have to stop this. I galloped up the stairs, and found her in my room, with her head in my wardrobe. “Uh... Gwen?” I wondered, moving to look over her shoulder. She straightened up, grasping something. I realized too late it was my pile of dirty magazines. Settling herself on my bed she began flicking through the first one, her eyes wide. “Matt.” She looked up at me, “What on earth are these?” “Don't you-” I mumbled, closing the door and sliding the bolt into place as quick as I could, “Don't you know?” She shook her head, I knew she'd lived a sheltered childhood (from what she had told me) but... how can she not know about porn? Yet she seemed unaffected by the naughty images, and the lewd poses of the women seemed diminished by her simple recline on my pillows. I felt awkward, terribly uncomfortable with her eyes darting across the pages I had used for my release. “It's porn.” I sighed, giving in and sitting myself beside her. “But what's it for?” She insisted of me, pulling her eyes from the page and meeting mine. “It's for... you know... jacking off. Masturbation.” “...What's that?” She was clueless. “Self pleasure. You know what sex is, right?” The idea occurring to me quite suddenly, she rolled her eyes slightly, and nodded. “Well its giving yourself that pleasure, by touching yourself.” Furrowing her brow, she gave her own input, “Like in the hospital. When I held my breasts? That felt nice. Pleasurable.” I felt myself blush, God! Did she have no filter between mind and mouth?! I nodded anyway, and she smiled. “But you mean the things people have between their legs, don't you? That's what you touch.” I just cleared my throat, and she had one of her random moments of intuition, understanding. “I won't ask anymore, I'm making you uncomfortable. I'm sorry, Matt.” She smiled a little sadly, “I just wish I understood all this.” I shook my head, she was insane, why did I like it? “It's alright Gwen. I'm just, not the best person to explain. I haven't done... much.” The curiosity began creeping across her features again, but she seemed to shake it off as she shook her head. “Come on, show me my room.” Voice overflowing with excitement, she jumped off the bed and raced me to the door, laughing. The baggie jeans flapped around her ankles as she rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, waiting for me to unlock the door. I fumbled with the bolt, and the moment it was open she twirled out onto the landing, giggling as she ran into Jakob. “Hey, hey, what were you two doing with the door locked?” he teased. Oh s***! What if she told him?! But no, she wasn't that disconnected, she just smiled at him and purred, “I'll never tell. Now-” she clapped her hands together, “My room!” I pulled the ladder to the attic down, she seemed ecstatic about climbing the splinter-causing thing. I couldn't wait for her to see what I'd done to the dusty space. So I'm no home decorator, but it looked bloody brilliant in my opinion. I had hung a netting of fairy-lights across the sloped ceiling, which I had painted powder blue, like the walls. Lanterns with flickering, fake candles hung from the low beams. And her double bed was pressed against the only full length wall, the bedding white and fluffy, I had remembered how cold she seemed to get. A little hollow was behind the wardrobe, as it stood against the slopped wall. We caught up with her, as she stood in the center of the room, her hand over her mouth, the lanterns reflected in her eyes which were glimmering with tears. I felt a twinge of disappointment, what had I messed up? “Gwen? What's wrong?... Don't you... like it?” I stuttered, coming closer to her. She nodded, absently, then blushed. Turning her head to me quite suddenly, “Oh Matt, it's lovely.” I smiled, thank God. I thought I had f*ed up. “It's just... I've never had my own room before. I've always had to share. And it's just so pretty.” Jakob had stood quietly, giving us the moment I was thankful for, but now he came forwards, “Gwen, love, we need to get you new clothes.” It was a topic I was iffy about bringing up myself, yet Gwen didn't seem to mind having nothing. She just smiled at Jakob sweetly and said, “That'd be lovely, I don't have any money though, I'll be fine in this stuff.” Gesturing to her ramshackle outfit and seeming strangely content, for a girl. But he just grinned, “No way, half the hospital has clubbed together, we've raised 260 pounds to get you situated.” Gwen's smile was electric, and she hugged him exuberantly. Oh s***, I was going to be forced to go shopping. *** Gwen's eyes were as big as dinner plates, drinking in the colourful display in the window of a big department store. We'd driven all the way into town for this, and it wasn't a waste. Gwen flitted around everywhere, finding every eye-catching piece she could. And when I say eye-catching, I mean it. The things she chose were tiny, mini-skirts, little jackets and those tops that don't cover the girl's stomachs. Makeup as well, and jewelery. But now, in this big shop, she found not only bikinis (which I found myself imagining her in) but dresses. Sexy dresses for clubbing. And she loved them, her eager fingers ran over each rack, eyes glowing. Grabbing one so quickly I didn't get a good look, she darted into the changing rooms, calling at us to, “Wait outside!” Jakob winked at me, “Crazy girl. She's very sweet though Matt. I expect you to be a good friend to her as long as she's with us.” His voice had assumed the “parenty” tone that it so often did. You'd think my older brother of all people would be disinterested in my relationship with any particular girl. More than just any girl of course, she'd obviously been through a lot. It was easy to forget, watching her shop and try on lip-gloss and all sort of regular female things, at least I imagined they were regular. The clattering and bumping around in the changing room stopped suddenly, and she burst out, passed the surprised looking shop assistant, and struck a pose in front of us. “Blimey.” Jakob blinked, and I had to agree. Gwen's chosen dress was heather-grey, and skin tight. A plunging neckline and skirt that barely covered her arse would have given her the appearance of a slag, if she were anyone else. I couldn't bring myself to think of her like that, I just liked her too much. Such impressive cleavage, in my opinion, should be shown off. I didn't understand how she could be so damn slim, yet have such a drastic difference between waist and hips. I could feel myself practically drooling, and if I wasn't careful I'd get hard. I shook myself mentally. This wasn't another teenage girl to drool over, this was Gwen. Abandoned, injured, clueless Gwen. But when she hopped over to the mirror, and stared down her reflection, she didn't look clueless. Her mouth curved into a sexy smirk, her eyelids lowered, and her hips jutted to one side. It was as if she understood exactly how good she looked, and it was impossible to deny as a guy. I couldn't wait to see Luke's reaction, we'd have to take her out with us, one of the clubs in town maybe. Or a local gig. She'd like the excitement, and the dancing. My mind was already rambling, imagining situations of which I had no guarantee. We'd slow dance, swaying gently she'd lift her head up and stare into my eyes, smiling a secretive smile. The moment would captivate us both, and we'd just know. Soon enough, our lips would meet, melt together in a haze of released tension and longing. I was getting distracted again, yet the many fantasies plagued me all the drive home, and all the way up the stairs, then the ladder to the attic. I carried her new things for her, it took three trips from car to attic. Gwen never offered her help though, merely stood beside her wardrobe waiting. When she did put her things away, it was messily, and without much sequence. Clothes with hangers were hung, shoes still in their boxes piled at the bottom, and underwear (wispy little things she yet again seemed to have no sense of embarrassment about, and lacy bras she seemed spectacularly proud of) stuffed in the two top of her set of draws. Each item she admired with twice as much joy as she had in the shops, showing me with glee. “They're all really...” I couldn't find the word. Sexy? Small? I-can't-wait-to-see-you-in-those? Finger lickin' good?! I settled on the dumbest word to pop to mind “...nice.” Nice? F***. I was mulling over my own stupidity when I realized she was undressing, tugging the old, used clothes off. I stared for a minute or two, mesmerized, until she had stripped right down to her knickers and a straining sports-bra. Presumably given by the hospital also, as the undies were a million times larger than what she had picked out herself. Her hands went to the waistband that hugged her hips, and I jumped, “Wait! No! I'll go before you...” she frowned at me, “What's wrong? You've seen those girls in the magazines. So it wouldn't be a surprise would it?” “It's a matter of morals. I would love to watch you undress,” I decided cold hard truth was the best way to deal with her, “but you're my friend, and it would be taking advantage.” Her face fell as I moved to the ladder, “Sorry. I didn't realize.” she muttered, as I closed the trapdoor above me. Who was she? That she didn't even know that was, not inappropriate behavior as such, more unusual than anything. Gwen. We didn't even know her last name. Did she have one? Was it that she didn't remember what had happened prior to the rocks, rather than she refused to tell? It felt wrong, that I should feel this strongly for a girl I know nothing about. Luke would certainly find it hilarious, if he knew just how much. I was deluding myself, fixated on a pretty face. If I'm going to be a man I need to stop this, take care of her, sure, be her friend? Yes. But I'm not letting her pull me in. She's not normal, do I need that kind of stress? And anyway... no guarantee that she would ever feel like I feel, or would feel. Could feel is the most accurate. If she didn't even know what porn was, not that they were comparable, but still... could she fall for me? Not that I thought I loved her, but still, I could love her. If I gave myself a chance, if she gave me a chance. The question remained was she capable? My debate took place as I cleared the magazines from my bed, but stopped short just before putting them away. I flipped through the pages of the first one on the pile. Pretty girls, beautiful girls, sexy girls. What was I doing fixating on one girl? Why couldn't I be like Luke? Even looking at these women, I stupidly started picking out things that reminded me of Gwen. This one had her eyes, that one her hair, one even had the same pearly glow from her pale skin. God dammit, I'd known her seven weeks and she's already burrowed her way into my mind. It was like this with Amber, wasn't it? For Jakob I mean. They met, and she was suddenly his everything. Gwen wasn't anything like Amber, and I wasn't Jakob. I just had to stop, think before I did anything insane. “Yeah. Good luck with that.” A voice inside me mocked me, “You'll be fine. Just don't think with your d***. If that's even possible.”