“Oh hey Tommy.” She looked up at me and smiled. God I loved to see her smile.

“Thomas! Quit flirting with that poor girl and take a seat.” Yelled Mr. Jackson.

The class burst into laughter as I hastily made my way back to my spot.

“Sorry Mr. Jackson.”

I sunk into my chair and looked back to where Jess was sitting. Was she blushing? I couldn’t focus on anything Mr. Jackson was saying all I could focus on was her. Does she even know how beautiful she is? Every move she made drove me wild. From the way she bit the lower left side to the way she stuck her tongue out whenever she concentrated intently on something. Even the rise and fall of her chest…breathtaking.

I’ve known Jess since I was thirteen. She was the girl next door and my best friend, until she met Maddie that is. We would always walk home together and then hang out at her house for hours in her room. Her mom would make us milk and cookies and Jess would share her lyrics with me. She wrote the most beautiful music and when she sang? Well let’s just say even angels couldn’t compare to the sound of her voice. Man I loved hearing her sing. You could always hear the smile in her voice and her eyes would light up like stars. They don’t do that anymore, the light left those beautiful eyes long ago. I wonder what made them look the way they do now, so sad, so lonely.

The bell rang.

“Jess wait up!” I called after her.
“Do you maybe want to walk home together, you know like old times?”

She didn’t even have a chance to open her mouth in response before Maddie called out to her.

“Jessica Dawson hurry your butt up!”

“Sorry Tommy, maybe next time?” She said to me with a smile I knew was fake.

“Sure. Next time.”

“Who was that?” Maddie asked Jess when she finally caught up.

“Oh, he’s just some guy.” She replied.

“He’s kind of cute.” Maddie said as she watched Tommy walk away.

“Yeah I guess he is…”

3:00am, can’t sleep. I kept thinking about Tommy. He has changed so much. I have seen him around before, I mean he lives right next to me but I never really paid close attention to him. He looks so much old, wiser, maybe even a little sadder. His blue eyes still shined as bright as they did when we were kids but there was something hidden within them a sort of darkness, like he was hiding something. I gave up on sleep and decided to go shower. Maybe I will do something with my hair. I don’t know.


I let the hot water wash over me as my mind drifted off somewhere else. I was probably in there for a good hour before I finally decided to step out into the cold breeze and wrap a towel around my body. I stopped in front of the mirror and stared at myself for a few moments. I wasn’t ugly, I don’t think, but even so I was no Maddie. I decided to try something new so I put my hair in waves and put on my best dress. I wanted to be a bit more daring so I added a pop of red lipstick to complete the look. I looked at the clock. Damn, it was only 5:00am. I still had two hours before I had to leave for school.


I wonder if Tommy is awake…

3:00am, can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Jess. I know it is crazy but she is all I think about when I close my eyes, how I would give anything just to hear her sing again, to hear her laughter one more time. I gave up on sleep and decided to take a shower.


I walked outside to see Jess closing the door behind her. My God she was even more beautiful than before. Her lips stood out with their bright red color and her dress cut off right above the knee. How she was still single I would never be able to understand.



“Tommy!” Did she just call me?


I watched as she lightly jogged over to me. Her smile was genuine and warm.


“I thought maybe we could walk together you know since we didn’t get the chance to the other day.” She said to me.


“Absolutely.”


We talked non-stop just like we used to, like when we were kids. I couldn’t stop staring at her and somehow managed to run myself into a pole. She burst into laughter. I couldn’t believe it, I had made her laugh again.


“This is the first time I’ve heard you laugh in ages.” I said to her while rubbing my now swollen head.


“Well it isn’t every day someone runs into a pole.” She giggled.


“Jess over here!” We heard Maddie yell, putting a stop to this perfect morning.


“I’ll see you in 6th?” Jess asked me.


“Yeah, see ya.”

I ran over to where Maddie was standing with her on and off boyfriend of two years, Jason.


“Damn Jess, you look good.” Jason said to me.


“Back off Jason you’re not her type!” Barked Maddie.


Clearly they were no longer on. For now that is. Jason was definitely a womanizer yet I still felt flattered by his compliment. He was a good looking guy I guess; brown hair, brown eyes, nothing to special. After second period Jason had asked me if I wanted to go to a party with him later that night.


“What about Mad’s?” I has asked.


“What about her? Come on, I’ll pick you up at eight.”


“Okay.”


I spent the entire day getting ready. I don’t know why I was trying so hard, I mean he was Maddie’s boyfriend, well was her boyfriend. I heard the doorbell ring and my heart sunk into my chest. I started to sweat like a sinner in church. Why am I so nervous!?


“Hello Mrs. Dawson. Is Jess ready to go?” I could hear Jason ask my mother.


“Hello Jason, Jess should be ready in a moment. Please come in.” She responded.


I quickly finished getting ready and sprinted down the stairs. I had never been to a high school party before but I was excited to go, I was also a little scared.


“Woah, you look incredible.” Jason said when I reached the end of the stairs.


“Thank you.” I blushed.


Jason was being so kind to me. He would open the door and always offered me a refill on my drink. Why was he being so nice? He used to not even know I existed. I pushed those thoughts out of my head. To be honest I was enjoying the attention I was getting from him. I looked around the room while Jason went to get me another drink. Tommy was here.


“Tommy!” I yelled as I stumbled my way over to him.


I threw my arms around him. By this point I was already pretty drunk and could hardly hold myself up.


“Jesus Jess how much have you had to drink tonight?” He asked while picking me back up on to my feet.


“Just a little.” I slurred while using my thumb and finger to show a pinch.


“Look Jess, I’m glad you’re here. There is something I need to tell…”


Tommy was cut off by Jason who had handed me another drink.


“You want to get out of here?” Jason had asked Jess.
I nodded my head in agreement.


“Jess I don’t think that is such a good idea.” Tommy had chimed in.


“Back off loser, she can make her own decisions.” Snapped Jason.


“Yeah! Back off Tommy!” Did I really just say that?


Tommy looked away. He was hurt. Before I could even apologize Jason was already dragging me out to his car. We headed off to his house. I don’t remember much of that night after that all I know is that I somehow managed to wake up in my own home in my own bed. Man this hangover was killer. I got up and showered, time for school.



I was hoping to run in to Tommy this morning so I could apologize for my rude behavior the previous night. He must have left early. I got to school and felt like everyone was somehow watching me, like they were whispering about me. What did I do last night? I decided to go ask Mad’s maybe Jason had told her what happened.



“He Mads...” My sentence was cut short by the strike of Maddies hand across my face. She had slapped me.


“What the hell Maddie!?” I had yelled.


“Don't act like you don't know! I know about you and Jason. God you're such a whore!” I be you even slept with that guy Tommy too!


“Slept with? Maddie what are you talking about?”


“Whatever slut. Don't ever talk to me again.”


What the hell is she talking about? She stormed off leaving me there like a lost puppy, alone and confused. I need to figure out what on earth had happened last night. I decided it was time to go find Jason. On my way to go look for him I got a text. Speak of the Devil, I thought. I opened up a multi media file and my heart had jumped into my throat. It was a photo of me from the night of the party, I was naked and in Jasons bed. “Thanks for the fun nigh babe, hope to do it again soon.” was all it said after that.

I looked up to see everyone laughing an pointing at me. They were chanting Whore, slut, tramp. Every name imaginable. I had to get out of here. I ran home with tears streaming down my face, as I burst through the door I noticed my parents in the living room My father had never looked so furious and my mother, never so disappointed.


“Jessica Marie Dawson! Get your ass in here right now!” My father yelled at me.


Oh God they know.



“Daddy please let me...”



Once again my words were cut off by the blur of a hand striking across my face. The smack had enough force to make me fall to the ground. My mother was crying now.


“Daddy please, I'm sorry!” I begged.


“I did not raise my daughter to be a whore~!” he snapped.


“Daddy I..”


“Shut up! I want you out of this house right now. You are a disgrace to this family. And so help me god if I am damned enough to have a whore living under my roof.”


“But dad!”



“Out!”

I ran out of the house as fast as I could, my lungs gasping for the air I was lacking between tears and heavy breathing. I don't know how I got to where I was, on top of the apartment complex a few blocks away. I looked down bellow me at all the people and cars going past. How easy, I thought. How easy it would be to just make all this pain and hate go away, in one blink I could disappear forever.


“Jess?” It was Tommy.
“Jess you don't have to do this.”


“Everyone hates me Tommy. Haven't you hears? I am the class slut.” I whispered.


“No! No you are not Jess! Jason is an ass and took advantage of you! It is not your fault.” He was furious.



Tommy took a few steps closer to where I was standing on the edge.


“No!” I screamed.
“Don't come any closer! I will do it i'll jump!”


“Jess please listen to me. I know what it is like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try so hard to fit in but you can't. How you try and hurt the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside. I know what it is like to want to die.” Tommy's voice had trailed off.


I turned around so that my back was now to the city and I was facing Tommy. His blue eyes swollen and red from tears. His light, gone. My heart was breaking.


“You're wrong. Not everyone hates you.” He whispered.


“Tommy don't...”


“Jess let me say this. From the first day I met you I knew I wanted you to be mine. I wanted to be the one who made you smile, who you would sing for all day long. I wanted to be your everything and you to be mine. I knew Jess, from that first day that I loved you. I always have and I always will.”


Tears continued to flow in my eyes. Tommy took another step forward and was now only a few inches away from me. He had reached out his hand and smiled.


“Come one Jess, we can get through this, together.”


“I'm sorry Tommy...”


I let my body fall of the edge of the building, Tommy's screams of agony slowly fading away. One last tear made its way down my pale cheek as I used my last breath to whisper...


“I love you too Tommy.”

It has been a year since I saw Jess take her own life. She still haunts me in my dreams. I could have saved her, I kept telling myself. Her face appears all around me biting that lower left lip. Even though my heart still aches for her loss, she had taught me one important lesson. We are nothing more then what we make ourselves to be. We have the ability to chose how we react to certain events that happen in our lives, we have the ability to chose how you come across to the world. Society does not define us because we are...


The undefined.