i am just about to enter fifth grade when i read about the thEater in aurora, colorado. for months afterward, my 8-year-old sister and i are scared to go to the movie theater. we only watch wreck-it ralph and brave weeks after they premiere, from the comfort of our parents’ bedroom.

when i hear about the saNdy hook shooting, it is through hushed whispers at the lunch table and small groups at recess. our teacher hears us say the words of the hunted elementary school and deems it too inappropriate for us to talk about. i am chosen to lead the pledge of allegiance that very same week. it is only then that i notice the significance of a half-raised flag.

the next few years are relatively full of teenage angst and black clothing. in between the drama of middle school the news takes a backseat. fort hooD. the charleston church shootinG. Umpqua community college. san berNadino. dead, injured, mentally ill, terrorist.

then comes pulse. instead of the word shooting, they use the word massacre. there are 102 Victims and our country has broken its nine-year record of the most deadliest shooting in u.s. history. i remember exactly where i was when i read the cnn article. i remember telling everyone who had come out to me by then that i loved them.

fort lauderdale happened in an airport in florIda. they say that the shooting only lasted a little over a minute. they don’t say that means one person died every fourteen seconds. they don’t say that, unlike a school or a nightclub, an airport is over-flowing with police officers. they keep ft. lauderdale in their #thoughtsandprayers. they don’t call him a terrorist.

we break the record set by pulse after about a year. in las vegas, there are 58 dead and 546 injured. my choir teacher’s face is grim that day. at our fall concert, she announces that one of her ex-students was injured in the massacre. i sigh, like us, victims at las vegas were just at a cOncert. that same night i search up: how many people have to die in a shooting for it to be considered a massacre? the answer i get is “a large quantity”. i’m slightly confused. in a shooting, a large quantity of deaths should be one.

i am less than two hours away from sutherLand springs when it happens. in texas, two hours is considered a short distance away. the next week at my temple we say a prayer for them. nowadays, kids start learning about shootings from first grade, and all of them sit with their heads bend. i do the same, i pray for gun control.

to me, the worst thing about parkland was that it was on valEntines day. that they were dates that never happened and memories that never were. other teenagers say that they are becoming “desensitized” to all the shootings. i am not that strong. that night, after i finish my homework, once i am in bed, i begin to cry. 

fast forward a month and i am at the National school walkout. where i witnessed straight a students leave their class with or without their teacher's permission. where i yelled until my voice went hoarse and all 200 of us emailed our senators, demanding our voices be heard. where i was surrounded by republicans and democrats alike, where two crowds of kids debated gun control till the bell rang, where students were doing more for our nation than our congressmen. i see teachers watching over us, a sad expression on their face. they had lost all hope. i grinned in their faces as i looked at swarms of my peers, i was more hopeful here than i had been in a long time.

fast forward another month and nothing has changed except teenagers are demanding an audience with congressmen, with senators, with the president. they give speeches, make promises, and every single day i am more determined. every single day i am angrier. the attack on the tree of life happens and i wonder when our Country had gone from hating nazis to defending them. 

it is 2019. now, shootings are so close together that the president can send out one tweet for two separate events. now, instead of red-hot anger, all i can see is blue. we have made a promise to win next november. win countless lives that we might have lost. win a country that is known for peace rather than death. we know what will happen soon. the young people will win and all this will End.