Ninth Letter to Uncle Sam

9/11/13


Dear Uncle Sam,

Here we go again. To bomb or not to bomb.

Syriously?

Once again on 9/11, we confront a crisis spawned by that fateful 9/11 that changed America and the world forever. Baghdad… Benghazi... The specters haunt American dreams… But let not those ghosts paralyze you, Uncle dear. Act now. Think later. And if in doubt, consult the burning Bush. That’s the American way.

Syriously!

So, here’s my simple three-step process for Syrious Success.

Step 1: Kick Ass. Yes, Uncle dear, Vladimir Putin’s. Who does that shirtless highhorseback poser think he is to challenge our deeply held delusions of grandeur and question our carefully constructed myth of exceptionalism? That’s your job. Our job. You should let that Russian samovar know that God made America to make history. The Gypper did. Consider what that Godless ex-KGB pretender is doing: selling arms to Assad; offering to disarm Assad; letting CIA-fund the flow of Russian-made weapons to Syrian rebels fighting Assad. He’s like a Bollywood hero, playing all the roles himself. Angling for an Oscar, Vladimir? Or maybe just a Nobel Peace. Don’t tell me you don’t want to kick his ass, Uncle dear.

Syriously!

Step 2: Make History. Yes, Uncle dear, the same history we don’t learn from so we can keep on making it. America, the world well knows, has a long and glorious history of awesome bombing excursions on foreign soil. As reported in The Onion, these unbelievably supersillious excursions that are definitely not pinpricks are famous for taking out identified targets with utmost precision while ensuring zero civilian casualties, minimum collateral damage, and pro-American governments. Beirut, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan… the list is long and illustrious. We know exactly how to topple murderous dictators we helped prop up and how to create the chaotic conditions that facilitate the rise of new dictators that we can prop up until we need to topple them again. With such a successful record, what could possibly go wrong, Uncle dear?

Syriously!

Step 3: Unmake Geography. Yes, Uncle dear, that willy-nilly spaghetti squiggly geography the British Empire left in its wake, nonchalantly drawing up borders with utter disregard for the ancient identities, alliances, and animosities of the people actually living on the ground in those wild eastern places out there. But what the Brits undid, we Americans can undo better. Exceptionally better. So why not simply partition Syria into three? A Kurdia for the Kurds, an Alawia for the Alawite Assadists and a Remainia for the remaining rebels? Only, dear Uncle, be sure to draw nice straight American red lines no one will dare to dispute.

Syriously!

SinSyrially Yours,
--CK