Controversial businessman and political figure Donald Trump has just announced his entire presidential campaign up to this point to be a fluke. While he has not dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination, Trump has stated he will recant certain statements made about those of Middle Eastern and Mexican background.
       

“I fooled you all. I’m not actually going to build a wall! That’d be stupid. I’m very intelligent. I’m the intelligentest, actually. I attended multiple Ivy league universities. They let me in because I had the best words. Anyway, the point is, America, I’m not racist! It was just a UUUUGE social experiment. I’m just a really good businessman with even better hair.”
       

After firing his wig and revealing his admittedly natural luscious locks, Trump went on to deliver his true political platform. In a shocking statement, Trump admits he is “really proud of the women and the gays for trying so hard.” One of his main campaign focuses will be women’s rights; Trump specifically cited his eventual goal to implement equal pay for equal work. “What I’ll do is, I’ll print money called ‘lady bucks’ that are each worth 77 cents. That way, we can pay women 77% of real workers’ wages and trick them into thinking they are getting paid the same amount! You see where I’m coming from, right? I think I might be the greatest president. Besides Abe Lincoln, he was pretty good.” Then, Donald thanked his close friend and fellow illuminati member, comedian John Oliver, for the ‘lady bucks’ idea. What is meant by ‘fellow illuminati member’ is currently being looked into. More on this story after a quick commercial break.

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And we’re back! The “Donald Discovery,” as people are terming it, has caused immediate international praise, outcry, and backlash all at once. The United Nations has hurriedly stated in a press release that their vote to suspend the United States from the Nations will be placed on indefinite hiatus. Iran’s official twitter handle @UraniumIsFriendsNotFood has tweeted out a picture of a man taking a massive dump on what appears to be a copy of the US – Iran nuclear deal agreements. And, this just in – what was that… ah – unrelated to Trump, but this just in, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has released video footage of a North Korean ship successfully travelling halfway to Alaska before sinking! Leading North Korean scientist Dennis Rodman said he is very proud of the team’s work and hopes they will continue their efforts. Oddly, spray painted in bright red on the deck of the ship in 10 ft. letters were the words “HELP US.”  Keep at it Kim, we believe in you! Trump had this to say:
       

“What am I going to do about Iran? No, I’m not going to nuke them, that’s horrible! This is the new Trump. We’ll sneak an ICBM, an intercontinental ballistic missile, into their nuclear energy program and then go in and arrest them. Oh don’t worry, we’ll deactivate the drones during the operation to ensure no innocent American soldiers’ lives are lost. You know how those little airborne fellas tend to get… just so excitable, aren’t they?”

When asked if he had revised his opinion on the length of Trump’s penis, Marco Rubio declined to comment. We’ll be back with more details shortly; I think I hear Senator Chris Christie yelling ‘KNEW IT’ or something outside. Security, will you take care of that?

Update: 4/14/16 - 4:20 PM: Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke was seen checking out of Trump Towers and spitting at the diamond-encrusted hotel door on his way to teach his class, KKK 666, at Trump University.
Update: 7/16/16: Famed neurosurgeon Ben Carson, a renowned supporter of the billionaire and former front-runner, has been selected as the Republican Nominee for the 2016 US presidential election.
       

People clamor for positive change. But such change will never happen as long as the media, and by extension, the masses, view politics as a form of entertainment, not a serious medium through which to make national decisions. In the case of politics, politicians are the grassroots. Change will only begin at the center of Washington, where the best interests of America masses are the highest goal. Keep that in mind before voting.