Welcome one and all, to the ancient civilization of the United States of America! Our country boasts a whopping three centuries of colorful, bright history. Throughout my wise 14 years, I have discovered that non-Americans and Americans alike seem to be confused about exactly who we are as a country, and as peoples. With so many diverse groups coexisting under the title, ‘American,’  it can be difficult to distinguish where our value and beliefs really lie. Fear not, humble civilians; for I’m about to solve the Uncle Sam’s identity crisis quicker than you can say, ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy!’ So get ready to dump some tea and prepare those fallout shelters as I attempt to define what it means to be boiling in the world’s melting pot.

Always Remember: We’re Number One!

First off, you have to be well aware of where you live. Copernicus was wrong when he declared that the sun was the center of the universe; it’s actually the good ol’ US of A. While all eight planets may revolve around us, scientific facts such as this cause other counties to portray us as one who makes big and loud accusations, dripping with ignorance and cringeworthy politically incorrect-ness. While this is certainly not true, debatable examples of this ‘we’re the best’ mentality are found in the common misconceptions that English is the most commonly spoken language in the world, or that ‘no one watches soccer.’

Cuisine and Celebrations
A notable step in the Americanization process is acquainting yourselves with our numerous food options of the flavorful variety. Americans are famous for their sophisticated cuisine and various dishes, of which include and are certainly limited to, hot dogs, hamburgers, not-so french fries, and pizza. Note the eloquent titles these delicacies have been given. While some may argue that these products have contributed to the so-called ‘obesity crisis’ in our country, such accusations are what we call, ‘fake news’ around here.

While there are many national holidays in year, to any well-meaning patriot the most important one is certainly the Fourth of July. You must rejoice the anniversary of America’s independence with a barbeque, fireworks, and grainy, smartphone footage of those exploding fireworks that no one will ever look at again.

Speech
Many visitors to our country struggle with obtaining the perfect American accent. First, choose your dialect. There are several forms of American English depending on where you live. In the Northeast, there’s the traditional extending of your vowels (the classic ‘cwoffee’ and ‘New Joysey.”) The South has an iconic drawl, y’all! The Midwest speaks in the Fargo-esque accent emulating true Canadians (eh?) And don’t forget the, like, Valley Girl Stereotype Voice, you know? I mean, gag me with a spoon! After selecting your dialect, make it as nasally and ugly-sounding as possible. Your American accent is on its way to becoming superb!

The American Dream
People flock to this country for a reason, and the multitude of pull migration factors usually all fall under the umbrella term of ‘opportunity’ (That, and who wouldn’t want to live here?) Because of this attitude, we witness incredible stories of individuals rising from the bottom to the top in a manner that is both uniquely American and symbolic of our country as a whole.

You’re officially American, dear readers. Don’t worry about standing out too much, because everyone will be too busy in their pursuit of happiness to interrupt you finding your place in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.