Let’s face it: our planet is, quite simply, overpopulated in many parts of the world and steadily growing worse by the day… all because few of us can keep it in our pants. I may be oversimplifying a tad, but isn’t that the basic issue? That we like to commit the dirty deed?

Now, I’m well aware on how well a proposal that we cut down on sexing would go over – like a lead balloon filled with rocks, teetering on the edge of a cliff. None of us wants to give up sex, we’re hardwired for it (and little else). Nobody wants to go the Chinese route and limit each family to one child either. But sadly, regular methods of birth control are not 100% reliable. So I propose a novel solution that will cut down on procreation, but leave the act of it virtually untouched: We encourage homosexuality.

… I feel a disturbance. As if a million conservatives started frothing, and were suddenly rabid. Okaaaay, now before the right-wings try to burn me at the stake, hear me out.

Now, fact of the matter is that more women are born than men; so statistically speaking, if everybody WERE to be straight (and stick to monogamy), then there would be quite a lot of women dying alone and unloved. Society is already obsessed with ladies finding their “Mr. Right.” Would it be so wrong to suggest they could look for a “Miss” instead? Giving flowers and chocolates, writing sappy poetry, true love’s first kiss… women can do these things just as well as men. Hell, considering how much we gush about them, we would probably be better at it.

On the topic of lesbians, no doubt people are wondering about how homosexuality can cut down on population when there’s artificial insemination (if not, well now I’ve planted the idea in your head). The main goal of this plan is to cut down on unplanned pregnancies, which obviously artificial insemination doesn’t fit. And though nobody can ever be completely ready for the terrors that are children, parents who planned on having children are naturally better prepared than those who didn’t.

Problems of procreation and poor parenting aren’t all this plan would help with. It would help our economy as well – less people being born would naturally lead to less strain upon the system, though it would take years for the benefits to show. It would be a slow plan, yes, as slow as a snail crawling through molasses in January. Still, that beats Congress’s rate.

Now as much as I’d like to dodge the bullet and leave religion out of this, the fact is that for the good of our country’s future this is an issue which must be addressed. Some people claim, occasionally with bullshit to back it up, that homosexuality is against “the one true religion of the week”, while simultaneously preaching “love thy neighbor”. While there are certainly (and sadly) some churches out there that do condemn homosexuality, there are also plenty which accept it, embracing those who practice it into their flock.

As to people who think along the lines of “Oh noes, two men are getting it on, it’s the end of American society as we know it!” … dude, seriously? Our country has survived wars, bad presidents, Prohibition, and disco. Gay people aren’t going to destroy society, who told them that? (Pfft, probably the same people who think the world will end in 2012 – do they honestly believe falling jaguars will herald our destruction?) Rather than destroy our country, homosexuality can be used to save it.

Naturally, if we wish to encourage homosexuality, not only must we deal with people who foolishly hold the above opinions, but in addition gay marriage must be legalized! If anyone can think of a way to spread the message it’s okay to be gay while simultaneously preaching against gay marriage and not come off as hypocritical, raise your hand… nobody? I didn’t think so.

So-called “rehabilitation clinics” must be shut down as well – if we wish to fight our rising populace and convince people it’s okay to be gay, then it’s counterproductive to let such places exist. Better yet, instead of merely shutting these places down, we’ll convert them into therapy clinics designed to help people come to terms with their sexual identity, whatever it may be.

Quite frankly, gay marriage is going to happen one way or another. They’ve been given an inch – it is only a matter of time for them to stretch it out into a mile. Let’s just skip the climax, go right to the big finish, and potentially save the world from our rampant sex drives as well!