Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Certainly not me, and I want to keep it that way. I mean, what’s the deal with pineapples? I just don’t understand why so many people like them. Being delicacies all around the world, many are infatuated with Spongebob’s home, but I have never been a fan. I just pretended to like them one time when my father brought them home to my family before he told us it was fruit instead of ice cream for dessert (he’s a cardiologist).

Anyway, here are a few reasons why pineapples are my least favorite fruit, next to grapefruits and maybe even papaya.

They’re cold. Every time I try to ingest a pineapple, I get teeth freeze. I didn’t even think your teeth had nerves, but just trying a pineapple made me rethink my analysis. Pineapples are so cold, it’s like a little blizzard in your mouth. And that’s not good, unless you’re actually eating ice cream.

They’re sour. Every time I make the attempt to appeal to the poor fruit, I end up recoiling in horror. My, but pineapples are bitter. When people say, “I wanna eat some fruit today,” they don’t want something that is acidic as a lemon dipped in that sour gummy bear stuff. Sheesh.

They don’t taste good. As I said before, pineapples are only sweet if you pace them right at the store. They don’t taste good if your parents are too eager to buy it from the store and impose their “healthy lifestyle” on their children.

There. I hope you understand why I never want to eat another pineapple in my life.