Three Ways to Put Yourself in a Bad Mood

The very first step in accomplishing this rewarding aspiration includes enrolling in a specific English class in which you will be required to express the many negative attributes of your person. Assure that you have an exceptionally pessimistic instructor who also indulges in as much self-pity as yourself. Present yourself as clinically depressed as possible for the appeasement of said instructor. The topics for most of your required research essays will have to surround heart piercingly somber concepts, such as animal rights.

Do not by any circumstance attempt to appease your nihilist instructor by agreeing to their opinion, they will dismiss it as “ass kissing”. Make no attempt to communicate with fellow students, they may also mistake a friendly gesture for “ass kissing”.

Get into the habit of writing large amounts of depressing s***. It will undoubtedly assist you in further endeavors through literature, since most authors are emotionally inept.

Upon crafting your sad s*** stories, be sure that each paragraph brings you every step closer to the medicine cabinet where you will gorge various non-prescribed drugs.

Keep in mind that the more ego you exert into writing will result in your favor. We as readers know that the more narcissism a piece has the better.

Leer away from boasting, but show that you are an intellectual try-hard by plastering an inundation of formidable diction to compensate for your lack of initiative.

Discard humility as well, it is pitiful for a writer to recognize flaw failure. The more arrogance you pertain will ensure your infallible nature by default. Some readers may perceive such confidence as delusional, this audience is primarily catered by weak sauce authors who portray their weak sauce love quarrels that define their weak sauce first world absurdities. The same queers who sugarcoat their conclusions with glorified lovesick garbage.

Your professor may not be appreciative of such sociopathic efforts, it might rather instill a pleather of envious admiration towards the display of your corrupted demeanor.

Leave your readers thinking. This is vital in the art of formulating any sentence, whether it be some bombastic free verse or simply an informative email.

“Simple” is a word that should be taken lightly for us sickening writers. Nothing can be trivial, abuse vocabulary to the fullest extent in any chance of expression.

This includes verbal interactions, ensure that your simple minded acquaintances scratch their scalps at the hemorrhaging amount of unnecessary diction you that forced them to endure.

While you argue with your belligerent drunkard of a father be sure to curve ball him a couple big words, it’s certain to calm things down if not utterly provoke his primitive essence.

Remember that you are smarter than him as his frantic bludgeoning carries on.

Your mother is the second best person to cognitively disorientate, spewing thick diction along the same rails as your angst can boil her blood better than she can boil those potatoes. She may hold back the urge to hurl the steaming stock pot into your face as long as you maintain that vanity suffused smirk.

Above all, exploit this practice with your significant other.

Being an eccentric writer you must feel obligated to bestow upon your intolerable regurgitations called opinions, who better to belittle with such obscenities than the person who cares for your punk ass the most.

At this point you should have already attempted to hang yourself, if not you are failing as an anomalous literature guru. If the ceiling fan did not work in your favor there is an alternative.

This remedy includes knotting one end of chained neck ties to a door handle, continue it over the top crease, secure the other end to your neck as you stand on a chair from the other side. Assure that your feet will be far from the ground after kicking the chair away, hopefully one of your parents will discover this before you pass out. Remember; suicide doesn’t favor you if it’s successful.

Once you’ve completed this desperate act you should feel more invigorated by the intrinsic motivation of writing, we express ourselves far more potently from experiences.

You could be like me, a first year college kid required to formulate an essay expressing three characteristics that I hate about myself and what I would do to change each of them.

Am I supposed to dislike certain things about myself? Is it mandatory of me to deeply ponder what negative attributes I behold? Must I dwell into this fit of self-loathing and depreciation towards my person?

I know my value.