I get what you're saying about this piece, and I'll get to that later.

But one comment: while I see the argument on rap music, I don't know that just because some artists are portraying more of a positive influence in the genre overrules the fact that people are influenced by the things they hear. As a female, hearing songs that obliterate your self-worth (which-admit it- are heavy in MANY rap songs), and making you to be nothing more than something to fantasize about or use for one moment's pleasure is very disconcerting. And- SHOCKER- that's how many young women feel treated every day. NOW is there perfect proof to prove that this music is the cause of that? No. But it certainly doesn't help the fact. (Sorry, I'm kind of argumentative.)

So now that I've gotten that off my chest, I would like to say that I very much respect your commentary and honesty and that I will take it to heart. Even though I hate people who make excuses for the flaws in their writing, I must say that I wrote this for a paper I write for as an internship. My editor LOVES to tamper with my wording and is very strict on how I formulate argumentative columns such as this. Regardless, I do agree that this needs work and am not tryiing to say that my writing is in any way perfect.

Thanks for checking out my work, and if you made it this far, my small rant.

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it... well sorta.

So here's some honest feedback that you might be looking for.

This needs a lot of work too lol. If you ever get the chance to take AP English language &comp in 11th grade if you haven't already, DO IT because then you will learn how to write an essay without the novice mistakes that this one has.

Overall this just looks like your standard school-formulaic-way-of-presenting-an argument with some sophistication and good flow. But there's some words that don't belong here because you tried too hard to sound sophisticated for instance "you will be hard pressed to find a teenager..." 

like... that's just an unnatural sentance. I don't know of anyone who says "hard pressed" especially when they're talking to "you"

Some say never to use "you" or "I" in a nonpersonal essay like this and instead always use third-person pronouns. I'm not sure if that's a golden rule that everyone should follow, but I think for writers like us who are still young and inexperienced it's not a bad idea to seriously consider that "rule" and it seems it would certainly help this essay

And as far as opinions go, do you really think rap music like "get low" is poisoning the minds of teens and telling them that its the "it thing to do?"

I don't really like rap music either, and I think it only belongs in clubs/dances/parties/etc. but I don't think it's necessarily encouraging teens to do bad things because most rap has no message and is just something to grind to.

and for the rap that does have a message, I find that most of the messages are actually good nowadays. My best friend writes rap songs, one is called something like "Chester Stop the Violence" which is a remix to Eminem's "Not Afraid." both songs, I think, although may not convey messages in ways that "white society" can understand, do convey good messages.