“That’s okay; you still have time.”

Because this has been one of the top phrases I’ve heard throughout my academic life, a part of me had forgotten that all that time I had to think about college and what I wanted to do with myself was supposed to be filled with active thinking. As time inevitably passes by and deadlines start to pile up on the horizon, I began to realize that the answer does not suddenly appear when it’s most convenient, like those messages in a bottle that always conveniently drift to the main character’s exact whereabouts. Some of my friends are those main characters, though. I wonder if I’ll get my bottle soon.

* * *

When I was younger, I used to be fascinated by planes and dreamt of becoming a pilot. My parents would buy flight simulators for me to play with, and since we grew up relatively close to the city’s airport, I would often hear the rumbling of arriving and departing planes as they soared through the sky. Growing older meant that much of that reality had to be put to rest. Flight school is expensive and requires hours upon hours of flight time, which also costs money, to progress past that first step of getting a private license. Instead, since my math and science grades were pretty decent back in middle school, my dad, also an engineer, pointed my attention to aerospace engineering. “If you can’t fly the planes, you could at least design them,” he would tell me. It sounded logical to me, so I tucked that idea in the back of my mind and never put more thought into what I would do when I grew up – my first mistake. Now, I’ve ditched the idea of aerospace engineering and multiple other branches of engineering, and now I feel stuck in a limbo of having so many options that I feel like there are none.

Also happening during my early years was being forced into learning an instrument by my parents. It was a steep learning curve, but today I am very grateful for the ability to read and perform musical pieces. With this, I grew a deep appreciation for the compositional aspect of music for the pieces I would play (and fantasize about playing). More often than not, I would search up the soundtrack to various movies
and listen to the works of the composers of “Howl’s Moving Castle,” “La La Land,” or other ear-pleasing works. This affinity wasn’t limited to movies, though. The TV shows I watched and the video games I would play had soundtracks that I would find myself searching up on YouTube after a playthrough, trying to recreate the feeling of my first listen. This was how I found channels like Insaneintherainmusic, KyleLandry, and 8-bit Music Theory, amongst others, where I would become mesmerized by the amount of detail present in musical pieces and how impressive it looked to perform. Music performance, composition, and theory became points of interest for me, and although the IB class didn’t scratch my itch to learn more about it (nor did I give myself enough time to practice on my own), I would dream of composing or performing for a large audience. Now, I know I can’t choose music as my major because there would be such a slight chance at a significant payout down the road. An arts degree would not pay the bills, which is just how the world works.

The way I see it, critical choices are similar to a choose-your-own-adventure book. I used to always look for the true ending and worked backward from there, trying to “beat” the book in one go. Not that I’d get much satisfaction from that, it was just better than losing to a couple of pieces of paper. I could’ve tried to read through the entire book and choose the options I thought were most correct, but I didn’t want to be wrong, especially after investing so much time into it. Whether it’s committing to something or reaching farther than what I think my reach is, there’s this fear of wasting time. Sure, I can go through each of my interests and try pursuing a degree in it, but there’s a risk. I’m only 18, after all. Am I even qualified to
define the trajectory of my life?

Qualified or not, sitting next to a ticking time bomb doesn’t lessen the intensity of the blast. I have to tread onward and decide on a path because I know no one else can or will do it for me. Taking this decision is one of the first tests of strengths we encounter as adults, which admittedly is a strange word when describing a high school graduate. Usually, having difficulty so early into a game would be concerning, but in the end, we all want to live successful lives. Comfort, stability, and happiness are all luxuries that require effort and a willingness to try something new. At this point, as the road ahead of us
diverges, I need to be able to trust my gut feeling, regardless of whatever risk I think exists. A risk-free decision does not exist.

For all those who are as undecided as me in trying to chisel away at the marble of the future, know that the choice we are making is one where there are no wrong answers. It’s normal to be afraid, and although
there’s a net of supporting peers and family members, the choice must come from us and us alone. Victory comes from those who choose their outcome, not those who let it choose them. After all, we have the time.