The future is terrifying. When I was a little kid, people would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’d stare blankly at them, smile, and say that I wanted to work at Disneyland. 

When I was in middle school, the park worker dream switched over to being a teacher, as I’m great with kids, and I enjoy helping other people. Now that I’m in high school, the answer is more complicated. As a sophomore, teachers are pushing me to research colleges and universities, but at this point, I don’t even know what I want.

I’m a 4.0+ GPA kid, and when I mention that I still want to be a teacher, some people look at me and tell me, “You’ll never be able to do that!” or “The pay is too low, you’ll just be another starving artist.” or the most annoying one, “You can do better.”

Can I do better, though? School just tells us how to choose the right answer on a test, but if I were to teach, I could make learning fun, and make memories for children who dislike school. If a kid needed moral support, I could be there to cheer them up and put a smile on their face! The teachers I have currently, think that I could do amazing things, even if I don’t know at the moment what I want to do, or who I want to be.

It’s hard to fathom the idea that in just two years, I’m not going to ever set foot in these classrooms ever again unless I choose to teach here. I might not even live here anymore, I might be states away, countries, even. 

With my autism, it’s hard to make a full decision on things, especially with something this big and this important. I know that even if I choose to be a teacher, I’m going to waste so many other opportunities that might come my way, shutting all the other doors in my life. I don’t understand why I have to choose what I want to be at this moment. I still have two full years left to make up my mind, but what if I can’t even choose then? Where do I go from there?

The main things I worry about currently are if I can pass my classes without taking the final. If I can make AP classes go just as smoothly as my honours classes. But the idea lingers in my mind. What happens after this? Do I move out? Do I stay? Do I get to choose my own fate?

I think that schools shouldn’t put so much pressure on kids. As a 6th grader, I along with dozens of other kids had to pick a school path to fit one’s needs. No one knew what they wanted then. Most kids just wanted to go to lunch, if I’m being honest. Some of those kids got stuck on those paths, unable to switch, even if it made them upset.

I’ve been asked the same question for years now, over and over and over again. What am I going to do? What will I be? Where will I go? Honestly, at this point, it feels like people are just broken record players, forced to repeat the same thing over, and over, and over again. It’s annoying and frustrating.

But I think I have my answer now, to the main question. What do I want to be when I grow up? My answer to that is alive. I just want to be alive and happy.