Fourth Letter to Uncle Sam

1/4/13

Hey Uncle Sam,

Greetings from your favorite little fool on this auspicious All Fool’s Day.

Don’t you think one’s April experience depends so much upon whether one is a fooler or a foolee? Me, I’m a foolee. I actually believed good grades were enough to get me into that dream college!

But Dad, he’s a fooler. A natural at that. Like you, he says.

Dad’s method is quite simple. He never lies, except when he lies.

When I was six and sucked my thumb, Dad told me that if I didn’t quit, my thumb would slowly dissolve and disappear like a Popsicle! I quit instantly. He: fooler. Me: foolee.

When I was eight and my pet parrot, went missing from his cage, Dad told me Tota had gotten free and flown up to heaven. I thought it was pretty cool that my bird had made it all the way up to heaven. So I wasn’t too sad. Only years later, I realized Tota had died and Dad had lied. He: fooler. Me: foolee.

Dad never lies, except when he lies.

And when it comes to my grandma, Dad somehow lies all the time. In fact, the things he tells her are practically all lies. My grandma is eighty-two years old. She lives in a small village in southern India but she knows everything there is to know about everyone in the family anywhere on the planet. Two summers ago when we visited her, the frail old woman who looked like a wizened owl that might fly away to heaven any minute to join Tota, glared at my brother, her one and only grandson, through her horn-rimmed glasses. How’s he doing in school?” she rasped.

When I’m old and full of sleep and wrinkled like a prune, will I care how my grandson is doing in school? Will I demand to see his report card before I give up the ghost?

“Oh, straight As mom, he’s getting straight As,” quipped Dad shamelessly. “He’s planning to apply to Stanford next year.”

My brother looked like a bomb had exploded in his face. But grandma’s face broke into a smile, a thousand wrinkles radiating outward from her mouth like the petals of a chrysanthemum.

Dad never lies, except when he lies. Just like you, he says. Just like when you told us “Saddam has WMDs” and “America doesn’t torture.” Sure. You’re just like Dad.

You: fooler. We: foolees. Happy April Fools!


--CK