It's public school, where all of society's young people, regardless of gender, ethnicity, and economic
status are brought together in a diverse and competitive learning environment. Just walking into the
classroom can inspire deep, philosophical questions such as; “Aren't you supposed to die before you go
to hell?”

Due to the wonderful process of public funding, the rooms will vary in temperature from arctic tundra
to lake of fire with no pauses in between.

Luckily you have desks and chairs because if you're going to be sitting for eight hours, it's best to do it in a steel chair that may or may not have been used to torture criminals a decade ago. Which, if you're truly fortunate, you might even have a desk scrawled with obscenities. Creative talent is truly alive here!

You'll be given 45 minutes a day to get sweaty and fit during P.E. Class, taught by disgruntled ex- Mafia hit men. A nice selection of games are available, including, Run Maggots Run, Dodge the Projectile Aimed at your Head, and Don't Get Blood on our Clean Gym Floor. Coaches have the dual benefit of teaching children the ins and outs of the Witness Protection program if they ever squeal on “the boss.”

To allow room for more classes, lunch is short, so make sure you scarf down all the nutrients you need for the rest of the day before the bell rings, especially if you play sports for us.

Sports are a great way to make new friends and get athletic scholarships to colleges! All you have to do is sacrifice any dream you ever had of a social life, stop sleeping in order to get the GPA necessary to stay on the team, and sign away your soul on the dotted line. Easy and fun!

Here at public school, we pride ourselves on contributing to wiping out the rainforests through our program some jokingly call There's a Form For Everything. Want to use a computer? Read this policy book and fill out a six page form. Need a band-aid for a paper cut? Not unless we have six emergency medical authorization forms on file for you. Bathroom trip a necessity? Here's the essay requirement, but you'll have to take a concussion test in case you fall and hit your head on the sink.

Seeing as we're a modern school, we believe that passing tests is the ultimate form of education. In fact, we've cut out all of that education nonsense, because the only way the pupils could possibly learn is to have facts pounded into their brains. Tests show that the child is actually learning concepts, not just memorizing information because we constantly lecture them on the importance of passing those tests. And the stress that tests are inflicting upon them is almost nothing when you consider the benefits of getting back a paper with a red A on it that will mean absolutely nothing once you graduate high school.

Homeschooling? Ridiculous! Everyone knows that kids learn best from people who know nothing about them teaching them the exact same thing as the other 20 kids in that class. And homeschoolers, you know, they get no socialization. True socialization occurs when you spend all day sitting quietly at desks while trying to get on snapchat with your phone under the table.

Plus they have no experience with the real world. Here your scholar can be exposed to drugs, sex, and alcohol before the bus gets to school. How convenient! Don't worry about them fitting in, by the time they're out of her they'll be totally devoid of any personality, just another teenager obsessively waiting on the next iPhone or Hollister sale.

Yes, sir, public school is the right option for your student. After all if you want a job done right, you should definatly put it in the hands of government officials.

I am required to offer a solution if I'm going to complain about something, but that's the problem: there is no one school that's going to work for everyone. And I realize that the public school system isn't going away, because people have built their lives around it for so long. But that doesnt mean it can't change. Take a little focus off tests and more about understanding important life skills. Stop pushing college at us so hard and so early. Find chairs that take more than an hour to give us back pain. Quit asking us what we want to be when we grow up and start asking us who we want to be when we grow up. Yes, these are all little changes that don't mean a lot, but if there are a lot of little changes then it's going to add up to a better school system.