All I've got on my mind is two things.
That's wanting to call you and then not wanting to call.
I want to confront you on all of your mistakes, point out every. single. flaw.
All of the lies that I have failed to bring to the light
I WANT TO SCREAM
tell you that I hate you so much! It's gone past the point of ever letting you out of my life.
They're telling me you're not worth my time and you're not.
My energy, my words, NOTHING AT ALL!

You did not need to lie.

So why did you feel the need to lie..
If commitment was not in your grasp, you should have told me..
Goodbye.
It isn't impractical in fact misery loves company and we can hardly face heart break on our own but tell me,
if I'm sitting here. Telling you how to fix your heart.
How on earth will I be fixing my own.

Pull me in with words and in my naivety I'm not trying to cover my ears
MY GOD
every time this phone rings, I jump in fear, but it is never you.
And you are still not here.

Dear boy, just listen.
I've got pieces of my heart spread all over town and if you could be so kind as to return the piece that I gave to you the day at the park when we met. When that little boy got hurt and neither of us knew what to do. When all I could think of that day was spending every day after that day,
with you.
That piece that you some how let hit the ground, a little tattered a little torn if you could be so kind as to return that piece to me it will be one more piece that I have found.

And dear boy, the boy I cannot name because my friends would shake their heads and you're the one to blame.
The boy who makes me smile and brings my heart that shame.
I've been writing you for some time now and dear boy it scares me how I have let my guard down.
If I could ask you one favor it would be that you please, please take away my doubt.

DARLING it may be hard to believe but my heart has decided that you are a blessing.
I mean you were the BIGGEST mistake that I have ever made, a memory that I would like to keep.

So I called you.
Four rings then I hung up.
I thought about leaving a voice mail but my mind couldn't put together the words that I would like to say and when that phone did vibrate I smiled at the screen as I read your name.

The first time we talked since we fought.

You were a little too high...
A little too happy...
and I was a little too distraught.

We talked about pizza...
WE TALKED ABOUT PIZZA as if there wasn't other topics to be covered and I pushed the though out of my head that this boy, MY LOVER could ever do any wrong to me and we laughed.
And it felt right.
But as soon as i hung up that phone, I knew that this would be a continuous battle that my mind and my heart would fight.

I'm writing a list.
Asking you questions like; "Can we share frozen cookies again?" and "Do you ever go back to that night?"
"Was it easy?" Was it easy to walk away from the girl who sat there.
Pouring her heart out to you as if you were actually worth her trust.

She seen your seems split open and your shining armor begin to rust.

Well EVERY NIGHT I'd set that alarm clock to go off the time you were getting up for work and I'd call you and whether you answered or not I went on and ON about how remarkable you were.
And then I'd smile because I knew that you'd smile when you heard it, and it would all be because of me.

Because of my words.

Because your heart had been through hell...
and my god I knew how it hurt...
But I wasn't enough, my love wasn't enough... but I was sitting there
I was acting so tough.
Like I wasn't looking at my phone every five minutes hoping for a missed call telling me you wanted my love.
Like I didn't cry every time someone asked me
"Amanda, when is enough, enough?"

Why didn't I believe that what you were doing was wrong?
Because it was so, so wrong...you ruined more for me than you will ever know.
You ruined it for the next guy.
I kind of pretend that the boy I knew, the boy with those big brown eyes, I pretend that he died.

It makes it easier.... than knowing that he's still here... and he's still alive.... and he's being loved by someones love that isn't mine.

Every night I'd hold back the tears and fight, not to cry, about a boy disguised as a man, who never knew how to try.....
And never wanted to.
It was a fallacy disguised as love that was never true.