Single Rose and a Single Lie | Teen Ink

Single Rose and a Single Lie

June 14, 2016
By XxGhostRyderxX SILVER, Davenport, Washington
XxGhostRyderxX SILVER, Davenport, Washington
5 articles 1 photo 7 comments

A single rose left to remember

as the tears fell from her eyes.

It isn't cold this day in December

As she watched the birds fly.

 

She smells the rose, looks up at the sky

tells the birds stories, with one single lie.

Says she loved him, didn't want him to go

But really, she prayed for him to go slow.

 

He took her life, one by one

Held her up like a prize.

She was just a trophy he won

and he will hold her till he dies.

 

But in the house of horror, you can still hear screams

the bruises, burns, cuts. She hoped it was a dream.

Drunk everyday, tossing, throwing, laughing

It was all fun and games while she was dying.

 

Long-sleeves and jeans she wore

Didn't want anyone to know.

To him she became a bore

so it became a show.

 

She too his life one day, no one knew

with a slash of a knife, didn't leave a clue.

Now she was sitting here, looking at the sky

telling stories and a lie. Watching the birds fly. 



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This article has 2 comments.


on Apr. 14 2017 at 3:05 pm
makeupartist16 BRONZE, Johnson City, Tennessee
4 articles 0 photos 12 comments
It took me a minute to understand what was being said, but I liked it.

hwoodruff98 said...
on Apr. 12 2017 at 9:11 pm
hwoodruff98, Lititz, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 55 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In a gentle way, you can shake the world." -Mahatma Gandhi<br /> <br /> "What will your verse be?" -Dead Poets Society <br /> <br /> "Write drunk, edit sober." -Ernest Hemingway

I think you have an interesting narrative here, and you told it in an interesting way. I think it's interesting how you open with the rose, which is thought to be a symbol of love, but then build the poem to be about an abusive relationship that ended with murder. Is, then, the red of the rose symbolic of the blood on both sides of the relationship? In the first stanza: Because you're writing in the present tense, it should be "watches" In the second stanza: I think it would flow better if you said "She says she loved him...." Furthermore, I think you forced the rhyme a little bit with "she prayed for him to go slow." That line just doesn't really make much sense and sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps, "She prayed for him to die slow?" Or another rhyme? In the third stanza: What do you mean by "one by one?" That doesn't make much sense. What is are the "ones" he is taking? It seems as if you are forcing the rhyme once again there. Additionally, there's an error in tense again in the last line. If you meant that in the past, he thought he would hold her forever: It should be "would" and "died." Furthermore, it's "'til," with an apostrophe. In the fourth stanza: either a semi-colon after "screams" or start the second line with "From." In the fifth stanza: There are several awkward wordings, and I think it has to do with syntax. The two lines that stand out are "Long-sleeves and jeans she wore" and "To him she became a bore." I understand that you are trying to make a rhyme, but I think it's forcing the rhyme too much. In the sixth stanza: It should be "took;" there is a typo. Additionally, there's another spot that's awkward because of a forced rhyme. This one is "didn't have a clue." It should also be "Now she is sitting here..." And I would also suggest adding an article before "stories," making it "telling her stories..." All in all, it was a nice piece. Keep writing!