where the learning happens in between moments like after a wave passes

i have lots of moments where everything changes

i learn from these moments

a lot of the waves are ignited from a storm out of nowhere

there is storm after storm in my life

i feel the sticky heavy air weighing on my shoulders

i am 4 and my brother is 2

my daddy left

i remember him getting in the car

and driving in the opposite direction

i am 5 and my brother is 3

i remember men coming and going

i remember one that was a monster

he was sent away after we found a shot in his laundry

i didn't understand why he was so mean then but i do now

i am 7 and my brother is 5

there was one that stayed

things weren't perfect

but now i had two dads

the new one took us far away

i am still 7 and my brother is 6

things were good

we got to come home every other weekend

till the day the yelling started again

we couldn't leave

when we did we didn't go back

i am 8 and my brother is 6

i lost another man

we got to move back home

after a while he returned

at first i didn't trust that he was going to stay

i am 10 and my brother is 8

it's st patrick's day

my least favorite day of the year

everyone is drunk

i lost another person

this time a step mom

i am alone holding my brother crying

my dad ran away that night

i couldn't sleep

when he finally returned i watched him sleep

to ensure that he will not leave again

i am 17 and my brother is 15

my brother has always been my constant

my boat in the middle of the storm

but now im am just the ship rat

he has other priorities

the number of days and memories tarnished are growing

i have learned that alcohol is usually what ignites the storms

i am a shell drowning slowly in a ocean of drunks and people i can't rely on