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Snow Brown
I have a conversation with myself every night
Nothing too deep, whimsical, spiritual
Nothing any 16 soon to 17 year old
In a suburban neighborhood who
Walks the walk, talks the talk,
And lives the public school life
Would have.
It’s from the neck up
I made that decision some time ago
When the conversations would get too
Long, too
Miserable, as if I was suffocating in the utter exhalation
Of hate and evil
And so I left the torso and extremities for
Earlier in the day,
Where the glistening sunlight and cheery chirps would,
I hoped,
Filter the flaws
But when the window turned black,
The mirror did not lie
It poured out the god-awful truth, and I
I had no choice but to listen
Accepting the criticism, the comparison, the cruelty
It was more of a one-sided conversation, really
My reflection points to my skin, it’s bumps and spots
I don’t reply
My reflection taunts my uneven eyebrows, lopsided nose
I silently assent because, she had a good point
Angered by my silence, my reflection rages on,
Pinching my cheeks, poking my chin, attacking the blotches, and blemishes
Picking apart my face
Picking apart my adolescence
Until all that is left are two eyeballs, staring back at me
Tears would well up an disappear
They had nowhere to go
And I would proceed with my nightly routine
The pain numbed away, and
All that was left
Was a blank stare
Looking back at the unfairest of them all.
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I wrote this piece during a time of really low self-confidence. I had a really bad relationship with myself, and the mirror symbolizes how I viewed myself. There are a lot of teenage girls that feel this way, that feel like they are not enough just because they don't look a certain way. And I hope this piece brings this issue to light, and shows the experience of excessive self-critique.