I am crushed all the time,

I used wonder what made him do it,

Why did he take his life,

He hirt me bad.

I know he was hurting too,

but i needed him.

How could he just end it and hurt me like that, 

with no hesatation.

I always wonder if he would still be here if I would've gotten there in time.

I wonder why he didn't talk to me,

he always seemed so happy,

we told eachother everything,

why would he keep this from me,

Now I know how much he was hurting,

now I know how hard he tried to tell us,

now I know how desperately he was reaching for help.

I love him with all of my heart, and I miss him even more than I could ever imagine.

I know he didnt want to hurt me,

but he did.

I know he loves me,

but i didnt feel like it when he ended his life.

Im not mad with anger, 

im mad with hurt.

I wish he would have said he needed help, but now 

I know how hard it is to ask for help.

He was and still is my bestfriend, and he was the only one who ever listened to me, he was the only one who understood me.

The night he sent me that text, saying

I love you and i dont want to hurt you but i cant stay here any longer i am sorry baby sis, goodbye,

I didnt uderstand it until i read im sorry baby sis

but then I droppedmy phone and ran out my front door, 

in my pajamas, 

down the street, to his moms house.

The door was locked, 

I climed through the open window.

The bathroom door was wide open, 

then I saw him,

blood pooling around him, 

I could feel my face get hot and tears stream down my face,

I pulled him into my lap,

blood drenching and staining my hands and clothes.

I was sobbing with his bloody hand in mine,

thats when I saw the open wounds on his wrists,

he was barely breathing, when he choked up the words

I love you. 

I scrambled for his phone and dialed 911, 

I managed to tell the police officer where we were,

then I said he's tried to commit suicide.

As the sirens neared the house, i was screaming and saying please dont do this bubba,

please,

I need you here, 

dad, will hurt me,

please,

I held onto him tight,

when the paramedics came in,

they said its time to let go,

I wouldn't let go,

I held tight,

until they had to pry me off him.

I still remember all the blood,

not a day goes by that I dont think about my idol.