Life is cruel.

And love...even crueller.

It has no answers.

No right.

No wrong.

No winner.

No loser.

And no finish line.

No matter what I do,

No matter how hard I try to fix,

It only gets harder and harder.

Never easier.

Love has evaporated into thin air.

And all that is left is anger and regret.

I feel no emotions.

It only gets more pathetic.

More fights, more misery.

Endless cycles of regret.

Now, I must stop this cycle.

I, or we, can’t do this anymore.

We cannot continue this any longer.

With this suffocating project called love.

My partner has become an enemy and our relationship has become a rivalry that is only labeled as “love”.

What started as “love” has become a burden and a recipe for disaster.

It is so fragile.

And so weak.

As if love was an animal, I realize it can only survive in a very, very specific habitat...a habitat of prosperity.

The smallest of changes will result in the most devastating outcomes.

It is just like a terribly-designed ecosystem.

And, we, as most couples do, have failed to maintain our ecosystem, making me ponder, perhaps love is only temporary and a sign of prosperity?

I thus confess.

A confession even harder, yet somehow easier.

I declare a breakup, without knowing the miseries.

A day passes by and I feel no feelings.

It feels rather amusing.

I laugh,

I chat,

I dance,

And I party.

Fun times, no more misery.

Yet, the tragedy is still yet to come.

Two days pass by,

And I feel proud.

Proud of myself that I’ve moved on.

I belittle my break up.

With a false pride.

Thinking that I moved on so quickly and so easily.

Yet, the tragedy is still yet to come.

On the third day, I laid down on my bed and it struck me so suddenly.

The pain of a breakup hit me so painfully, it feels agonizing.

As if my heart is getting strangled and suffocated at the same time, I now realize the lyrics.

I understand the lyrics.

I relate to the lyrics.

Yet, the real torture of a breakup has only begun.

I realize I have declared war on my memories.

I comfort myself with a false sense of hope that it will go away.

But, it does not.

The pain continues and exceeds my expectations.

With no end and no cure.

Everything around me triggers my pain.

My room.

My phone.

My brain.

My everything.

I open my phone and I slowly and painfully delete the memories and the times I’ve spent.

But, the memories all come back.

Nothing can stop them.

They are invincible.

As if they are the only things that are tied to my brain.

I question my existence.

And everything around me. 

Yet, no answer is provided and my memories slowly start killing me.

Little by little.

And I drown in the sea of memories.

A few days pass by and I lose my motivation, the motivation to live.

My entire body aches.

And my brain tirelessly aches even more.

No possible remedy exists to numb this pain. 

Every encounter I face with them in class, it feels as if I am entering the dark caves of Medusa.

My feeble, recovering body turns into a blinded, solid rock and crumbles down into millions of pieces. 

The pieces, both big and small in size.

I then attempt to put together the pieces, but with no success.

I only face failure.

And this cycle begins again.

A loop.

I barely refrain from texting them the usual, useless excuses, apologies, and complaints.

I am barely able to control my shattered emotions.

And as the days pass by, I start feeling no emotions.

No feelings.

No pain.

No everything;

I feel numb.

Yet, as I lay on my bed, facing the hollow ceilings of my room, in the endless nights, it all comes back to haunt me…just like a nightmare.

And shatters my body once more.

It all continues…until one day. 

When I start to feel nothing and I am able to sleep in peace.

And yet, it feels somehow wrong to say that I’ve recovered.

Because the truth remains that I haven’t.

They have hammered a nail into my heart and my brain.

Nails that I will never be able to take out.

I realized that I had changed myself in order for me to move on.

I removed and replaced a part of me to move on.

And I realize that the aftereffects of a relationship are permanent.

I don’t dare start this pathetic cycle again.

I promise myself that I will never, ever start this agony, a torturous agony only disguised as “love”.

But, as months and years pass by, inside of me, I become tempted to start this agony once more.

With a false sense of hope, I end up repeating this same mistake of making a start to a new relationship, thinking that, this time, it will be “better”. 

And, yet again, all of this torture begins again. 

A new start and a new, exciting beginning disguised as “love”...only to face the same agony again.

Once you start this suffocating project called love, it has no end.

Yet, we, humans, tackle this misery again and again...until the day we die.

Love…this suffocating project.