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The Day After
10.25.2022
Yesterday I received a text alert at 8:40 a.m. It was a lockdown notice for the Community College where I take my classes through a dual enrollment program. It was on Twitter too, and immediately I received a flood of text from my friends at my high school building asking if I was okay. I wasn't there. I was at work because I don't have classes on Mondays, so I responded and told everyone I was safe.
Five minutes later one of them texted again and said that the CSMB/CVPA building was on lockdown. so then I was the one making sure they were safe, which they were until they could hear people in the Halls. until they heard the gunshots. Until the fire alarm was pulled but the police told them to stay where they were because it could be a trap. until they were running out of the school and I could hear the screaming and Sirens over the phone but then at least they were safe in the end. not everyone was that lucky. not everyone is still here.
so this is addressed to the leaders who don't prioritize us, who don't prioritize anyone but themselves.
the day after.
The outside looks like it's grieving.
it's been pouring rain since last night and all I can see are the tears of the sky running down the windows and pooling on the street.
the fall leaves I found beautiful before coat the ground but all I can see is the red.
everything is quieter today.
I can feel the pressure of pain can pressing my chest and my ribs aren't strong enough to push back.
my face doesn't smile and I want to sleep but I can't.
all I can see is yesterday.
In my mind images flash pass
too fast to catch but constantly in my
peripheral vision
police cars and sirens
my friends running out of our school on the news
and the photos of the people who were murdered
photos taken in rooms and hallways I've lived in before
images of
Texts that say
“we're on lockdown”
Texts that say
“there's been shots”
texts that say
“the fire alarm is going off but the police say it's a trap so we have to stay where we are.”
Texts that say
“pray for me”
“pray for us”
“pray”
texts that say
“I love you”
and the soundtrack of screaming and sirens and crying through the phone
replays and
replays
and replays
because no I wasn't there but
all my friends were and I heard it all
I heard it all while I watched the 3 dots
that pop-up when someone types
praying that a message would come
through praying that they wouldn't get stuck there because
someone stopped typing
Stopped Breathing
Stopped.
If you have never hidden in a corner
listening to people scream and shots being fired
if you have never lost a teacher or coach or a classmate
if you have never experienced life being torn away from you
if you have never sat on the phone saying I love you
if you have never sent text saying “I'm praying, I love you, it's gonna be okay”
if you have never waited through minutes that felt like hours
hours that feel like days and seconds that take lifetimes to pass
if you have never waited to hear from the people you
love
to make sure they're alive
if you have never been completely out of control but
completely
conscious
of exactly what's happening
if you have never cried and hurt like we have
Which you haven't
Then you have no right to make a choice about whether our lives are worth anything at all
you cannot say you understand.
you cannot write statements that are filled with grief and prayers and then
use the same pen to protect the rights to weapons made for mass destruction
weapons designed to kill as many as possible
weapons that have no place in the hands of anyone but the military
your pen is filled with blood instead of ink.
you are completely responsible for the consequences of your actions and you act completely irresponsibly.
until you have cried like we have and been terrified like we have
you cannot comprehend what it's like.
you have never experienced the consequences of your actions
so how can you justify making the decisions for us?
how can you justify allowing hundreds of children to be murdered every year?
you sit there and value the life of an unborn child more than you value our lives.
recognize it.
Change the way you act
and the way you respond
and even though I pray you never lose someone
or come as close to losing someone you love as I have
a dark part of my heart
hopes that someday
you experience the consequences of your actions.
I pray that you see what you've done by doing nothing
and I pray
that it changes your mind.
I’d like to hope that this will happen before another child dies, but I doubt it.
My hope for our lawmakers died with the children and the teachers.
If you’re drunk on power, it’s hard to see that the cup you hold
has been filled with blood.
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TW: guns, shooting, violence
This piece was written the morning after a school shooting took place at my school. I live in Missouri, a state that has almost no legislation regarding guns. This needs to change.