Most days i’m okay, 
Most days the giant aching hole in my chest, is bearable,
Most days I can breathe without gasping, I can breathe without my throat closing.
But on the days where it hurts, it hurts so bad that I want to give up,
When it hits me, it hits me like a giant train and I freeze like a deer in headlights.
When it hits me it cuts me all the way through.
On the days when I can't bear it, I consider waving my white flag. 
And hell I fantasize about cutting through my veins, letting my body go numb and shaky.
I fantasize about calling it quits just because it hurts so bad, 
Sometimes I want to stop myself from making that choice, 
but sometimes I can barely stop myself.
They say they're sorry, they say they understand, and they say it’ll get better, 
But, they aren’t the ones I want to hear it from,
I want to hear it from the abusers.
And trust me they don't understand because they aren't me, they can try to understand but they never will
 Hell ,please tell me when. Because I need to know before I go insane.
I just really want to be okay when I'm not okay . 
I want to be happy all the time. 
I want someone to hold me and say they love me and  I want it to be true, 
But that's only a fantasy and I know it’s never going to happen.
When they ask if i’m okay I want to say no but my voice betrays me,
And the words that stumble from my lips aren’t mine, they’re someone else's.
Just please tell me when the pain ends and the happy warm fuzzy feelings begin