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Psalm 119:76
i too, am not a woman, but a grease fire and a hurricane in one vessel
i shall not be perceived, i will become the observer
the preserver of the past and what will become bygone
the demurrer of the natural order
milky clarity is filling them up
it feels like mother is staring down at them when they cry
it feels like she's lifting their chin up for them when they sob like a baby in the bathtub
the barren bathtub in the dark
and the window is down
and it's night time
i too, am not a man, but light moving across water and the silent combustion of the last comet in one vessel
do not discern me, i could be the arbitrator
the spectator of an ambivalent god and what may be forgone
the cartographer of the wishes of the mercurial
they cry in opposition to me
i cannot believe unyieldingly they exist
i cannot believe unwaveringly they exist in the same way as i
it's so strange to be so tethered yet buoyant
and the porch light is on
and it's so cold outside
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Like most of the poems that I write, this one was written at a time of extreme distress for me. I am often bothered by the idea or reality of lacking control in certain situations, but something that used to bring me a slight sense of solace is the idea of quiet surrender. Specifically the verse Psalm 119:76, "May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant." When I am out of control, a lot of the time, the problem is me—I'm the one who decided not to roll over, right? But recently I began to realize that perhaps I shouldn't have to think like that, and that's not what Jehovah wants me to do. I should allow myself to be upset and want to change things. I should allow myself to be hopeful and have agency. This poem is a triumphant declaration that I will try to be all that I want to be and, one day, not force myself to conform to what I know is harmful to myself and possibly others. Evolution is continuous and, in my opinion, one of the most defining characteristics of being human. So, when people read this, I wish that they walk away from it not only feeling that their misery in their possibly current stagnancies is justified but also that they're going to be okay. And on the flip side, change is scary, and it's alright to be afraid. Of course, if no one perceives that from my poem, that's totally fine! The most important part of poetry and writing of any kind is that it makes you feel something.