Controlled by my own mind

A prison inside

It’s crazy when I cry

Because I smile

With tears streaming down my face

The tears scream with pain

But my smile mouths that I’m perfectly fine

The doctors told me my mind was broken

But what about that “new life”?

They say it’s given

To even the worst of us all;

How exactly do you expect me to be redeemed

When I’m

Controlled by my own mind?

A drug can be the fix

That’s what doctors say

That’s also what the other teens say

Why not give it a shot?

They all say it works so what’s the harm?

Just one hit couldn’t do anything

Not when my dad does it

Not when my oldest sister does it

Not when my other sister did it

Not when my mom used to do it

Not when my brother did it

Not when my aunts or cousins do it

Not when my friends do it

So why would it hurt me?

Except it didn’t work.

So I try a sip of alcohol

Because the people who said drugs didn’t work

Also said that alcohol did

So maybe this time it won’t hurt.

Because just about everyone I know does it.

My parents, teachers, friends, family

Why can’t I?

How could it harm me if it doesn’t harm them?

At least it tastes better, 

At least it makes me feel better,

At least for the night,

Right?

Except that didn’t work either.

So what do you do then?

When the drugs don’t work

And the alcohol doesn’t satisfy you;

What do you do?

Well exploitation is sitting right at your front door

Boys begging to see your young body

But you’ve always been told not to do specifically that

But your friends do it and so much worse

So it couldn’t do you any harm,

But of course you think twice,

“Maybe I shouldn’t do this”

But you give in because 

“I’ll kill myself if you don’t do it”

Was something you heard on the norm

But all that got you was insecurity and isolation

Two things that don’t pair well together

But yet seem to be best friends.

Well isn’t that fun?

Insecurity

Hating your body

Hating your mind

Hating your brain

Hating your heart

Hating yourself

And then on top of all that,

Isolation,

Because you don’t matter to them

You aren’t worthy of their time

You’re just annoying

You’re unimportant

And you’re not needed on this earth.

That couldn’t do any harm...

Could it?

Well it didn’t.

Until she moved the sharp blade across her soft skin

And became addicted to the rush of blood

That spilled out of her

She would justify it 

By saying a reason she deserved it

Every time she brought the blade to her chest.

She’s crazy though right?

She’s insane.

She’s mental.

Yeah, she heard all the words they called her.

The words ten times worse,

And the occasional hesitation in others voices when my name was brought up

But I’m a psycho right?

That’s not what you say to my face.

You always tell me that there’s nothing actually wrong with me

And if that’s the case, mom,

Then how am I a psycho?  

Please explain it to me like you explain to Nana

When you planned to disown me 

And send me to live with her,

Was I still your perfect little angel then?

Or was that when I was a psycho?

She never could understand

Why I said I thought I needed to go to therapy.

Even though I tried to explain it

And she still refused

Because if I told her all the stuff I’ve learned,

All the stuff I relate to,

She just might send me away.