mascara on my bland yet neat bedsheet
as I stand up and look at myself in my grimy bathroom mirror
who is this what is this why is this the way this is
why am I like this?
I finally see my true self
I finally see things that I hide deep inside my heart
I finally remove the disguise that I wear the whole day
I let go of the cocoon that I am trapped in except that I am not a butterfly
I let go of the cocoon that I am trapped in except that it does not protect me
It does not protect me from my despair or the hatred that consumes me
It does not protect me from my darkness or my dysfunctionality
it did not protect me from the predators that preyed upon my kindness
it did not protect me from the vultures that sucked all the love from my body
it did not protect me from my own body when I was trying to get rid of it
In the end, I wonder, how am I a stranger to my own mind
why am I a stranger to my own body and soul
I want to suffer but not like this
I want to suffer but not because of my self-hatred
I want to suffer but not because of jealousy born due to others
How can I look happy outside and feel like a rotten corpse inside?
How can I be emotional on the outside and feel absolutely nothing inside?
Maybe after everything we all remain the same
Maybe situations change time changes but the past remains the same
Maybe after the cries wash away our mascara we remain the same
Maybe after listening to the most hurtful words from the people we love the most, we remain the
same
after all the guilt and choking and cutting and screaming we remain the same

we hope that it will change us but it doesn’t
after all, we remain the same.
Maybe after everything time changes but you and I, remain the same
Maybe we let go of the cocoon but we are still trapped in a cage
In a cage which holds captive the worst thoughts and darkest realities