I trust you;
Blue eyes, strong hand
You’ll protect me, I feel it
You won’t let them hurt me anymore
Take my hand, you’ll say
I’ll show you how,
I’ll fix it for you
I’ll do it first, and then you try
I’ll teach you
How To
Jump extra-high on a trampoline
Grill a steak
Start a fire
Get tossed into a pool
Say the words
This
Is
My
Big
Brother
Play Grand Theft Auto
Ride the fastest roller coaster
Climb the tallest tree
Drink Crown Royale
Mixed with Coffee Shots
Check for monsters
In the closet
Under the bed
Up high, too, Matty
They hide there, too!
I was just being silly,
But you always did it anyway
And I never had a nightmare
I never thought
I never saw
What I remember most
Is being very, very not afraid
I thought to myself
I
Should
Be
Scared.
But I wasn’t
I just wanted to close my eyes
And make it go away
Check for monsters
In blue eyes, too, Matty
They hide there, too
It’s just a nightmare
Just a dream
I’m not scared
I trust you
There’s got to be some reason
If you want this,
It can’t be that bad
You’ll teach me
How to
Lie still
Fly away
Let it happen
Because no matter what
I just couldn’t disappoint you
Not after
The way you held my hand
When I was sick after the carnival
The way you sang loud
With me in the car
And fixed the stereo when it broke
And made sure you had non-spicy Doritos
Just for me
On movie nights
And when they were scary
You sat next to me
And laughed and called me a baby
I’m not a baby
I won’t cry
Not even now
Even though it hurts
Even though you’re biting
And I feel bruises starting
I let you
Because I couldn’t tell you no
Not after we went sledding
And I stepped in your footsteps
So I wouldn’t slip on the ice
“You want this, you know you do”
I heard the words
Were they true?
I didn’t think so
It doesn’t feel right
Doesn’t feel good
I don’t think I want this
But I believe you
Because I trust you
Because you are big and strong
And make me feel safe
Even now, I tell myself
I am safe. I am safe
Even though it hurts
Even though it tears
I’m not a baby
I won’t cry
I don’t remember “after”
By then, I was far away
You taught me
How to
Shrivel up and disappear
Take a shower
Scrub and scrub
Until my skin was raw
I still felt you
Not like after the carnival
Not like in the car
Not like when you took my hand
Not like when you made me strong
Not like anything that made me feel safe
Only lost
Cold
Alone
A room full of monsters
And even then
I would have asked you
To make them go away