Unsure of where this happiness is emerging from. Not searching for it, not wanting it.
It's surrounded me and I can't help but let it. I'm completely out of control.
It shows on the outside, yet the inside can't match.
It's my armor against them, to save myself. I'm unsure of what's being saved.
I'm not doing the saving. I'd much rather have let myself drown.
Longing to have a definition as to who I am, what this is, what I'm doing, why I'm here.
No explanation given, no remorse, no letting up. I take what's dealt not expecting a break.
They hit me constantly, even though I'm already so far down.
They take what's left, every ounce every breath.
Until all I have is this armor of happiness. There is nothing inside. Not a person, not a life because it's not living. No wants, no needs, no cares, no desires, no motivation, no feeling. Not even a being left inside. Just the carcass of what once was, a beautiful person.
It's completely fair. For whatever reason, I deserve this, all of it that I'm getting. I'm taking it, I'm claiming it, I have no idea why. I feel but one thing, and that would be sorry for those who will never know the real me, and who I was. I miss that person more than any of my friends, or family that I’ve left behind.
The empty corpse that remains of "me" is scarred with my mistakes, my past, my regrets, my failures. No matter what new being fills the inside of this outer skin, if one ever does again, the scars will always be carried, the past will always follow, and I guess I'll just have to keep filling "me" with new beings, until I find one that can deal with the daily shit, maintain actual feelings, manage the scars, and match the happiness that shows on the outside.
Until that new "me" comes around to fill this emptiness,
I'll remain just that; Empty, alone, and hopeless.