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Playful Agony
When the stars lay down to rest
A heavy heart is in my chest
Upon saying farewell to you
My heart was brutally shredded in two
T’was not you that made me cry
But the demon locked within your eye
If it were to be
Between you and me
You would be alive
Dead you are not
But exist you do not
The toy of my brain
Occupant of my thoughts
Be here you should
But alas you are not
The crow caws alone
His complaint goes unheard
You will never speak to me
Not a single word
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This article has 30 comments.
I don't have a problem at all with using words such as 't'was' and 'alas', but I just don't think they flowed well in this poem. I thought when you used, "t'was", you hadn't built up much of an atmosphere that would accomodate that word. The poem didn;t have an olden day feel to it, and when you used 't'was' is seemed very out-of-the-blue and random. Same thing went for alas. This felt like a very good 21 century poem, with some odd back-in-the-day words mixed in.
4 stars
wow this was pretty awesome (I'm not just saying that it was pretty good) The only thing I might change would be words like "T'was" and "alas" because they're obsolete in the year 2010
And it's usually not a good idea to write in passive tense so much but this is poetry and it's fun so it still works lol
6 articles 0 photos 74 comments
Favorite Quote:
The man with the key is king and honey, you should see me in a crown. ~James Moriarty
Good poem. A problem, though, you have it under free verse even though it rhymed, lol.
But seriously, I like this. But the 'twas' and 'alas' seemed out of place. 4/5