I stood out under a half lit moon, and burned my hair, and all that went with the past.
My veins couldn’t find a place to sit still, and even now a part of me is chattering.
I watched the flames curl around everything that I had once let my own body curl around. My beauty, my security, and my sanity. It used to feel so warm. I used to spend to many hours drying, flat ironing, and flipping the brown mousy mess I called my hair. Being told day by day, how pretty my hair was.
How pretty I was.

How I had such a future in a futureless pit.
I think may have burned my eyes out there too. Because with gaping holes in my face, I can finally see. My brain can construct the situation without a block, or a screen. It sees where I’ve been, and lets me know there is hope. If I plan to change. I f I plan to see through everything that comes with re-birth, and after birth. My sister and I smoked a joint,
under the dim light.
And the stars all showed up to see me turn a new leaf. It was warm on the sixth of January. It felt like a fall night. Not a drop of snow on the ground, no place for my thoughts to
hide.
I stood there by the burning barrel, and I watched a girl die. I watched her being swathed by flames, and I didn’t run to her rescue. I let her run with the smoke, into the air.
There she flew away,

like the birds.
She always wanted to touch the sky, and never knew how. The smell of her flight took me under in a wave, and no body knows how deep down
deep down falling goes. I can see now, through a window in her eye, how it feels to touch flight. I am taken down in splendor, and hope like her one day I’ll know it like I know the lines on my face. She sends me a breeze. I roll on through.
In having a clean head, and clear thought, my memories feel too close to my hands to be. I run my fingers over stubble and skin, and I feel like I can touch
them.
That there is a place finally that we can meet in the middle of being lost in thought and physicality. I lay in bed, with the shadows all around and touch you for the first time since our last embrace. Over years, and space, and time I can feel skin softer than rain. Over sensibility, and senselessness, I can smell your breath. I know mentality is within my grasp with my fingers over your face. I will paint what I see, and run with the wind. I will paint what I see with what I have destroyed. I will make cities for you, from ash, and ruin.
You are where you are, within a piece of
me.
But you are with me, whichever curve I bend around. With a new understanding of understanding I understand you so clearly. I know that in your head of making sense, you are what you are, where you are, for the matter of fact. You are what you are, because you are with
me.
We make things make sense within things so we can wait out the night until the day. The bump in the night is not always the cat knocking over a glass. It could be me, and
it is. I draw things out of things so I can make collections of gathered truths. I need these things to become, and to be. I drew you out, and you ran back. But
I saw you still, like I see my own breath in the cold. If the snow had bitten my feet past the quick I wouldn’t know you from any other. But I see it so clear. The water that once sought to drown me has lost me, and can’t take a turn to find. Water re-news, and maybe one day it’s memories will clamber back. Maybe one day it will draw me out like I drew you, and maybe it’s smarter than me, and will win this war of wars.
I just know that the end isn’t near.
I know that the end of us will never come. I know that in ending us,
our lives would have had to of been retraced, the way I’ve sought to retrace. I know where the boundaries of impossibility lie, and to retrace the steps you’ve walked on my life is too far out of bounds, we’d foul. You are trying to walk back
exactly as you came.
I watch you put your bare foot over prints that loosely resemble the fresh ones you are making in the retracing. Frustration over takes you, and you cry. I watch you fail, time and time. I watch you take the failure and swallow it up whole, knowing at some point
the taste will make you stronger.
We are. We are. Indefinitely there is a you and
me. You cut ribbon after ribbon, only to have them strung back, don’t you see.
See it.
I am on knees begging while you dance the dance of repeating. We are the only metal thing in the surrounding of plastic. We are the only immortal. I am in you,
hands
and
knees.
I am in you dancing in your chest while you glance at the other face to your heart.
I am making faces at the face.
And a part of you is
laughing. I am the sun on your face leaving a vibration of sensation where there used to be none. I am the flames that engulfed me whole, engulfing you like a wild fire of noise. I am scrambling inside of you, rearranging your organs to let me burrow through. I am succeeding in holding you hostage. I am succeeding in loving you with everything
I got.
I am causing you a bump. I am causing questions all around. You question the questioning, wondering how every truth that was truth could possibly be
Untruthed
in such a short little while. You see the ghosts more a more pink skinned colored than black now. You chase them in spite of yourself calling my name where the walls bring you to an
end. You can only stand at the wall so long. You lay in bed at night, and hold her tight. She makes you feel safe, and at home, and loved. She holds your hand when you
thrust into her,
squeezes you into a place you’ve never been.
Untainted and sure.
Untainted with so much room for the disaster to take flight. If we stand at the mouth,
afraid of the beast, we will only see it’s teeth and never taste
it’s heart.
You know what you need. You know that in putting yourself in a place, the security only goes so far. I cannot imagine the strength it’s taking you right now, to make yourself forget and love another. If I had the knowledge of the gods, the way you do right now, I would have
ran with the wind. I would have dropped the kettle. I know the questions that come in questioning. The ones that lead you to question me. I know that being insecure will lead us to walls all their own. I am ripping them down. I am unveiling the want.
I watched the flames curl around everything that I had once let my own body curl around.
My beauty,
my security, and my
sanity. And I thought of
you.
I took you from the box, and kept you beside of me instead of feeding you to the embers. I will keep you with me as long as I exist. I guess in getting rid of thought I’ve spawned more in myself. I guess in running away, I’ve circled back around.
But I will know where to find you when I need you, under the skin of my head. Until you know in your body there is a spec of strength strong enough to touch me
back. I walk my fingers up and
down, with no care in the world. Holding hands with the sunflowers,
building your strength back up
till you can walk too.