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Gone He Shall Stay
May 23, 2013
He was took away in a red prison.
He tried to fight, but the binds were to tight.
His best friend, ran after him
Once, he was gone, his friend continued on
His sister stood, silent as a rock
Tears welled up in her black rimmed eyes
The girl that had known him since he was a babe, turned her back
Not wanting to watch the fall out
His sprit will be broke
His freedom stripped
The moon is gone, taken away
And away, he will ever stay
© Jessie W., Wichita Falls, TX
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This article has 17 comments.
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on Jun. 15 2013 at 11:54 am
It just happened. I had like five minutes of free time before supper and got onto my computer and wrote it down. When I read that comment, I had to go back and look....... Thanks for pointing that out! I had a Writng/English teacher and a Reading teacher who wanted metaphors and all other parts of speech in just about everything. So I guess it just came out naturally....
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on Jun. 14 2013 at 11:10 am
Thanks! No one has actually ever commented about my metaphors or anything in that same area.
I liked how you compared his sister to a rock. It is very clever because some types of rocks once had life, but no longer do because it was burned and squashed. (sedimentary rock) Plus, rocks are emotion-less. They are often cold, heavy and they sink to the bottom of a bucket of water. It was a very clever metaphor, and I thought is deserves a shout-out.
Starstruck_001 said...
on Jun. 6 2013 at 6:33 pm
ur very welcome
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on Jun. 6 2013 at 3:33 pm
Thank you!
Starstruck_001 said...
on Jun. 6 2013 at 7:15 am
There was alot of emotion in this. That was really good. I think I'm tearing up. You have talent, and you were only a member for a really short time, and you already contributed more stuff then me! Good job!
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on May. 31 2013 at 1:21 pm
Thank you so much!
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on May. 31 2013 at 1:21 pm
Thank you!
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on May. 28 2013 at 8:59 pm
Thank you!
GuardianoftheStars GOLD said...
on May. 28 2013 at 6:23 pm
I felt this poem had a lot of heartbreak to it. I thought the picture you chose was a nice touch too. It made me stop and wonder what the back story of this was so I always enjoy when a poem makes a story. :)
It was a good poem, and I am assuming that the langauge and the "took" in the first line were purposeful. I would just suggest that if you are going to use those kinds of tactics to convey emotion, you should have the rest of the poem around the same mood. I kind of felt like the beginning felt one way, and the rest felt a different way. Other than that, I felt that the poem was good. I can tell that you worked hard on the writing, and it has turned out spectactularly.
RoyalCorona SILVER said...
on May. 25 2013 at 12:50 pm
Great job M!! That was a great poem that expressed deep emotion and yet ended on a cliffhanger, this could very easily turn into more poems to come!! It also had stunning visual, I could imagine everything crisp and clear!!
10 articles 1 photo 60 comments
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