I look out at the world from the weak shelter of my home

I look through the tied windows and wish I could pull the blinds

I lift my weary head from the battered cushions that hold me

The world I see is hostile and I know to be weary

I hear the doorbell ringing in short bursts like gunshots

Crawling deeper into the house, the rooms getting darker with no windows to show the light

Farther and farther until the ringing stops and I can rest

I sleep and drift away
Farther,
Farther,
Farther…

It would be so easy to stay here forever and lay down in surrender

Away from the harsh pain of reality and into the soothing numbness of denial

Noise in my ears, like nails

Noise in my head, like a mother’s coo

The world continues on around me shifting and changing always

But I stay stubbornly still and watch as it all flies past

I am stuck waiting for the past

I will wait forever for it to catch up to me

Even as the strong pull of the present, the future beckons me

I stand still willing myself deeper and deeper back

Each retreating step pushes the knife of grief farther into my back

The tip reaches my heart and pierces it gently like a deadly caress

If I push forward the pain will engulf me but I could make it out

But who knows what other knives may await

If I let myself fall back it will end so quickly

But for now I lay still

Waiting….