Hello
And thank you for purchasing this online tutorial on how to get into the perfect college. Please have a paper and pen handy, you might want to take notes.
If you haven’t already…
Bribe your way into the best high school around. Bake the principal their favorite cookies; buy the school some iPads because everyone knows they need them. Hard work and good luck only get you so far in life.
Benjamins speak louder than kindness.
Buy everything on the back to school list, even the protractor, electric sharpener and stapler.
Don’t make any friends, they’re over rated and will distract you from your rigorous studies. Some might argue that they help maintain your emotional and mental stability but it doesn’t matter because ignoring mental health is easier than providing treatment.
Besides, colleges don’t want messed up kids anyway.
Join every club in the school you are remotely interested in. As long as you go to all the important meetings and are present for the group picture you’re a part of it.
Remember something important… with millions of students all competing for the best colleges; you are only as good as your GPA.
Memorize your student ID number. Tattoo it on to your forearm. Stamp it on to your paper work. This is your name according to the state tests. This is your name according to the national tests.
This is the only name that matters.
Before thinking about applications and senior year, do some family history. The further you are from white the more colleges will like you. You get bonus points for being part Native American.
It’s perfectly fine to be racist as long as it’s against white people.
This is it; The big summer before senior year. Time for charity work! Colleges want creative kids. Everyone thinks teenagers have limited resources and can only do a few things but you know better than that.
Avoid soup kitchens and tutoring. Go to Africa and feed a poor village. Go to china and stop a sweat shop. This isn’t over the top.
It’s light charity work to set yourself part from everyone else.
When applying for college, remember that a four year university is the only respectful path. Community colleges are for lazy kids. Don’t worry that university is way more expensive. You can always just get a scholarship because it’s extremely easy. Plus, you can always just take out a loan.
Sure, you might start off adulthood up to your waist in debt but it’s worth it…
right?
When picking a major pick anything artistic because they don’t make any money. Avoid careers in in helping people because it’s not worth the pay. Be an engineer or a doctor. If you don’t enjoy math or science, learn to enjoy them. Remember that the soul purpose of your life is to make lots of money and make your parents proud.
Mutilate your interests in the name of job security and steady income. You can’t buy nice things with passion.
Finally, just sit back and watch those acceptance letters roll in. Thank you.
Disclaimer;
This tutorial is not responsible for any of the following side effects; including but not limited to anxiety,
depression,
emotional withdrawal,
lose of self-esteem
and thoughts of suicide.
Thank you for listening; and please check out our next video…
How to micromanage your dreams.