No. I think to myself.

No. I repeat.

No, I will not talk to him anymore.

No, I will not make eye contact.

No, I will not have another conversation. Dammit, you already know that you’ve cracked open once this week when he hugged you. You let him.

No, I will not let his dimpled cheeks cause my own to blush due to him catching my prolonged looks.

No, I will not let him get into my head.

No, I probably shouldn’t talk about kissing with him.

No, I’m not going to kiss him.

No, I won’t do it again, I promise.

No, third time is always the charm right?

No, I won’t kiss him; it’ll just be a movie night.

No, I won’t say yes if he asks me out.

No, he won’t ask me out.

No, I don’t care.

No, I know I do I just lied so you wouldn’t worry.

No, I DO want him to ask me out.

Why?

So I can say no.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” his breathless voice asks me, stiff and nervous.

“I would love to,” I answer, with honesty threaded through my heart along with joy.
***
Staring at your extravagant eyes has been my extracurricular activity lately. See, when you let your eyes linger long enough on something you convince yourself that it is beautiful. If you stare at something beautiful long enough it is suddenly indescribably brilliant. So as I lie here, my chin on your chest staring up at you as you lie with your arm wrapped around my waist, I wait to see indescribable brilliance. Your eyes are closed, dirty blond, long lashes swept down onto the tops of freckled cheeks. Your freckles don’t just stop at the tops of your cheeks, but stretch across your nose as well.
When your lashes lift, slowly but surely your gaze finds mine. Green cloaks my vision. You are truly gorgeous, although you may not always think so. My fingers find the scruff along the side of your jaw that stiffens while you rearrange your arms to become more comfortable. While you’re doing this, I find a way to get on top of you, a knee at each side. I lean my face towards yours, your jaw within my hands that move down to your neck as your own hands pull me closer by my lower back. I press my lips into yours; diving into a kiss that, like the rest, is nothing less than spectacular. You once said that every time you kissed me it was a movie moment. At the thought, I smile to myself in the middle of our movement of soft lips.
I would never tell you this, but I do care about you. I am so uninterested in a life without you, that I can’t imagine losing you, yet at the same time I realize you will be my first heartbreak. I can’t keep you forever, can I? So much has happened, and I know you’re not one to admit you’re beautiful. So I have taken the liberty of doing it for you.
Dillan, you are the most beautiful boy I have ever met. Not by looks, or the constant crap people say is on the inside. No, you are stunning within actions. Like the way your hand presses against my hipbone as you pull me into you, or the way you tickle me in the middle of an embrace, causing laughter to bubble up from my kissed raw lips. As I break away to giggle, you kiss my neck lightly, chuckling yourself. These small things don’t spark shocks through my body, or ignite my soul with this burning passion.
They are the finger that pushes the leading domino in the cascading millions to follow. These dominos make a slowing heat crawl throughout my body from the pit in my stomach. They send blush to my cheeks and collar bone. They make my eyes widen in excitement at the hint of your skin against mine. They make me feel safe, wanted, and loved.
These actions are why I can’t say no around you.
They leave me breathless and unable to speak. Maybe that’s a terrible thing to have in a relationship, and I should say no more often than I do. I don’t want to though, because I know that as soon as I say it, the actions will cease and that first domino will only tremble for a moment, yet remain standing.
I will say it if I must, but until then I will love every move you make. Every push of my hair behind my ear, or slight squeeze in the middle of a hug, I will enjoy it. Every encounter of your lips on my neck, and every time your bare skin brushes up along my own. I will savor it. I will savor it because I know it will not last forever, and nothing will be taken for granted. I love you, Dillan. If you ever see this, I hope you know I mean every word.
When I catch your eyes lingering on mine though, I wonder. Do they already see them as beautiful, or are they trying to make them that way? Will I ever be as indescribably brilliant to you as you are to me?
You fingers lace with mine.
“I didn’t think you’d say yes, you know?” he admits to me, confessing his doubt that this would have ever started.
I laugh, because what else am I to do? And who would’ve thought, he thinks I could actually utter the word no.