you know, I thought that if I just buried it deep enough
it wouldn't be able to claw itself out.
just throwing more s*** on top
more and more and more.
but surely it always turned up again.

sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror for a very long time
until I am no longer familiar to myself
every move is alien, m skin is crawling crawling

whenever the light flickers I ask "are you there god"
please be there
there is a certain displaced comfort in knowing someone is always watching
my secrets aren't really secrets.

I buried you so deep you would suffocate instantly but you are here
standing in front of me, hands outstretched

you want me even though I killed you
I stabbed you with my own fingers
I pronounced you dead

and without you I died too

but here you are and I don't know what it is about
our rotting flesh, but you look better than ever

my mother always told me to never look backwards
but I always found it more comforting to sit backward in a car
I want to see where I have been, not where I am going
somebody else should decide for me

you are here in front of me and that has changed my fate forever
to make sure you never come up for air
I buried myself too

it is dark, it is cold
but we are together now

finally