It is 4 a.m
And I’m biting my knuckles while laying in bed
I can’t stop thinking about what could’ve been
I’ve always told you that you are beautiful
But despite the kisses and promises,
You just couldn’t believe me
And it’s driving me insane because
Your ochre eyes are tidal waves that bring me to my knees
Your voice is silvery and it makes me want to dance
In your vowels and letters
Who told you that you are not beautiful?
It’s 4:27 a.m
And I’m sitting up straight now
Clutching the knotted strands of my hair
And rocking back and forth because
I can remember what you were wearing that night
But I can’t remember your touch
Why did you always have to get drunk in order to properly love?
I don’t understand why I let you become
60% rum and 40% lies
If I had known what lay beneath your sleeves
I would’ve taken you home
Why didn’t I take you home;
I think it’s because you said home was in my arms
And I believed you
The same way I believed you when you told me,
“I’m okay.”
I’m not okay
I miss you more than anything
And I’m becoming just like you
I drink more whiskey than I take breaths
And I take long showers because I think it’ll wash the pain away
But it never does
It’s 4:42 a.m
And it was around this time when I helped you slip on your wool coat
I think I remember it smelling like cherry blossom perfume
It’s in my closet
But I can’t even look at it without dissolving into an ocean of regret and tears
I called for a cab
And here is when things start to get blurry
And I think it might be because of the scotch
But right now I know it’s because of the pills
It’s 5:00 a.m
You got shot in the chest
So why does it feel like that bullet went through my heart?
I held you in my arms for the longest
I tried kissing you but my lips were so numb
It was so cold
You were so cold
I tried warming you with my liquor stained breath
And drunken kisses
And shaky embrace
But you never responded
You usually never did when you were this drunk
It’s 5:11 a.m
And I’m sitting on a train track, waiting
Usually I leave before the 5:15 train
But I think I’m going to stay
I think you should’ve stayed
It doesn’t matter anymore
Because in just a matter of seconds, I’m going to see your glossy eyes
And tell you that you’re beau-