As I hold my phone
And try to write out a simple text
My fingers tremble
And then my hand
And soon my body is shaking
Feeling like a noodle
Unstable, and jelly-like, rubbery
My mind is going fast
But my body collapses to the floor
One hand on my chest, feeling
the beat
Of my drumming heart
And I whimper because suddenly,
I cannot feel my legs
Or toes
Reaching for the drawer,
A bottle of pills touches my shaking fingers
And I somehow manage to unscrew the cap
I don't know how many pills I take
But then soon, I feel still
The shaking stops
And my heart beat is steady
So I think later on
While I'm crying late at night
The pillow wet from my sobbing
What is wrong with me
How do I kill this monster
Inside my mind
My body
Without killing myself.