some nights I wished I were miserable
                    because then my words to him would
           run smoother
and I would rather be in pain than
             take pills
being numb isn't always best
because you can feel dead without pain
and I wish I could tell the boy that doesn't like himself sober
that he is so much more than
the substance he lets control him
and maybe he would think that was dumb so
   I
      don't say
anything
and I want to apologize for
      mentioning him so often but
you're just a paper, a canvas
              and you
don't mind
so ill keep rewriting words to him
and maybe I care so much because
he was the only one who ever asked
if I needed help on my math homework and
he made me feel better about
going in front of the class
so if I die by
my own hand or by
                          death's
please give him this poem
and tell him he's worth something to someone and
he is not useless
because someone cared about him enough to
write about him at 3am