In the first grade I thought I’d be an astronaut
I never had any interest in space or the stars
never dreamt to discover new things or to see the sun and moon
I truly wanted to get away
I felt like an alien in my home as it was and felt I’d be better leaving the family I rested with
In space I could do anything
I could live on mars, touch stars, fly away or sleep endlessly
That thought made me feel on top of the world and I truly believed one day id get there
One day id meet my real mom and dad
That’s where everyone said they went
Far far away and you won’t see them again they’d tell me
But they didn’t know I was so smart, what’s farther then space? I questioned
In the first grade I decided I wanted to be an astronaut, I wanted to see my mom

By the third grade shed decided to be a teacher
She wanted not to help kids learn
Not to work in a small building with low pay and early hours
She didn’t even look forward to the paid naptime on each day
She decided she would be like her teacher that year
The teacher that took the kick me sign off her back, the teacher who never laughed when she stuttered in front of a class
The teacher that was her only friend except for him

But by sixth grade they no longer talked because hed decided hed never become anything
Not because living in cold streets alone sounded pleasant but because where else was he to go
A boy who truly believed he was nothing and thats all he would ever be
So he threw himself into drugs
Working his way from Friday night smokes with friends to every 2 am morning he’d be found with cigarettes and joints awaiting him
Water bottles for halftimes became full of vodka for in between classes
Simple habits that made him feel became problems and soon his problems were addictions
He had so much yet all he could see was everything he’d lost because how are you supposed to understand what you have when your drunken cloudy mind carries you blindly and your heart has no strings left to pull since they’d all since been broken
Hed decided to be nothing because that’s all he could see

The girl I saw everyday passing freshmen year
She was gone
I never knew what she wanted to be and now shed never become anything more then what she was
In a few weeks shed be past and forgotten and as of today she’s quiet whispers and gossip
What was her problem they’d whisper?
And I heard all of it
All of it
But I knew what really happened I knew how she really felt
That time she brought a noose to her neck wasn’t the first
Shed thought this through tried before, thought she was weak
Every time she couldn’t do it she thought she was weak but she wasn’t she just had something to hold on to and what is this world with nothing to hold on to and what if the person that was everything you held on to leaves and your left with pill bottles and vodka and bullies or no one
What do you do when your all alone? When you have no hope , no glimmer and every road you walk near all you see is an easy exit you could step out two feet and it’d all be over you wouldn’t have to worry about becoming a teacher or finding your mom, you wouldn’t ever come to beat an addiction or realize how strong you are
No.
You don’t step into that road you turn around and you walk home and you tell the people you care about you love them you go to parties you follow the rules or at least most of them and you smile and say hi and you meet the person who wants to go to space and convince there is things here to stay for, tell that girl she doesn’t need to be a teacher to stop those kids and that you’ll help her make it okay for herself, the boy who will never work towards anything you help him and you show him what he could be and who he was and that girl…the one who’s gone and has been since your freshman year you never forget her because no one who fights a hard battle in silence deserves to die amongst the quiet