Today I realized that I cannot do the things i thought I once could. The good things in my life cannot out weigh the mistakes, the accidents. Even though to some, they seem small, they have bigger meanings to someone like me. That’s the thing about this dark veil I carry. The weight of it multiplies the weight of every mistake I make.

The great things I do with my will and heart are smaller than my confidence and far too insignificant to be credited. My intentions are always good but it seems that intentions are not worth anything. “play the part”, they say. Smile, talk, make your clothes match, don’t wear your best clothes to go outside and play in the rain in. Follow the rules to fit in and be normal.

But today I realized that I cannot do the things I thought I once could. I did indeed play the part well, I believe. But what does it matter what I believe? I can believe that I try my hardest. I can believe that I am better than my darkest times. I can believe and I can pretend. But belief and pretend never makes the light come back to my eyes.

I can believe and pretend that I am living my life- or I can see the truth. The truth that I am not living. I am meant to rot in the ground or mix my ashes with dust and spider webs in an urn. I pull myself out of my self-dug and deep caverns only to slip and fall back to the bottom. The truth is, I cannot do the things I thought I once could. The truth is I do not know the truth.