I am from my past--
from throwing the frisbee around my backyard hoping to be like my dad,
and watching Forensic Files and The Bachelor with my mom, trying to be like her.
I am from nights waiting, hoping, and dreaming he will come home from Afghanistan,
and wearing a mask, dressing up with my sister and envying who she was.
Hoping, wishing, and envying…

From winter days--
snow angels, snowman, snowball fights -- algid and amusing.
Escaping the indoors, agitated with the water droplets outside the window, 
to picking flowers for my parents and siblings in the middle of May.
And humid days preserving water balloons, the only one left with balloons.
A jack-in-the-box on mid-temperature days -- the scent of autumn arising as leaves surround me.
I am from my past.

I am my present--
regretting my disobediences and flourishing in the perfection I acquired.
Pretending to sleep when my parents walk in -- I shouldn’t be awake anymore.
From living the life I wanted, thriving to be different, better, good enough. 
Wearing a mask, escaping opinions of classmates. 
Regretting, pretending, and escaping...

From not seeing my friends
with work, school, and homework.
Waking, watching sweaty boys in a gym compete to see who’s the best wrestler.
Wishing I could be at home, sleeping. But that’s not where I want to be.
Being the ugly duck, trying to fit in, but being smart and funny in my own ways.
I am my present.

I will be my future--
Going to college, regretting nights, but thankful.
Driving a red truck -- the ones I loved to hear as a child, but fear when I’m older.
I will wear a mask, trying to save grief and despair from families as they lay on the other
side of the bed, hoping they can talk to their family again.
Regret, fear, and despair…

For those nights I lie awake,
Listening to the sound of a newborn cry, appreciating who I am. .
Feeling guilty punishing  my kids, but knowing it was right.
I will watch Forensics Files and The Bachelor, and throw the frisbee in the yard with my kids.
I will be my future.