My heart beats loudly in my chest
fast slow
hot cold
the lump in my throat wont go away
I am disconnected
I see my classmates laughing, tapping each other on the shoulder
studying, focusing
joking, playing
I seem to stuck there, in a block of concrete,
unable to join in.
My eyes follow their movements
I notice the changes in emotion
they stop to say hello every once and a while,
but never stay too long
everyone is busy with one thing or another.
Me, the observer
is stationary.
the cinder block that traps me is a prison that cannot be escaped.
I try and try and try and try step out of it
but i only trip and fall, scraping my face on the
hard cement ground.
I never stop trying.
fast slow,
hot cold,
the cinder block that keeps me stationary
will always have an adversary.
the battle will always continue,
to break free,
fly, grow, flourish,
so I continue to fight savagely against my prison.
But no one else sees this fight.
I battle, win lose stalemate,
but no one bandages my wounds
or congratulates me on my victory.
This is because there is no visible cinder block.
The battle is not because my feet are trapped,
my mind is.
I want to break free, be myself,
be unafraid of loss or a challenge
I want to abandon all insecurities,
the only thing that holds me back.
But I cant.
As hard as I try to escape the block or
negotiate it to let me be,
I am trapped, in my own self.
My own self molded cinder block that solely resides in my mind.
I am prevented from playing with my classmates,
or focusing on my studies
through this wall,
this weight,
on my soul.
I continue to tell myself that
there is nothing that cant be broken.
there is nothing that cannot be shattered to a million pieces
if there is strong enough force against it.
And I hope, I pray
that if i continue to fight,
I will break it into a million pieces
and I will be free.
But what if, in the heat of the struggle,
under the weight, it first shatters me?