Am I okay, they ask me time after time.
I always say yes. I sell with a smile. I tell them I am great.
Because how the hell do I tell them
I am not okay in fact I am the opposite.
I fight depression and anxiety
I fight ptsd I physically fight the memories off all of the abuse and remember every detail
I remember it vividly I feel his whispers in my ear
I feel his body touching mine
I feel the lash of each strike of his belt
How in the hell do I explain to them
That there is plenty of food yet I do not eat
That I there is place for me to sleep yet I go days without it
That I shower 3,4,5 times a day cause I feel disgusted and disgusting
That I love them yet I keep to myself
That when their eyes wonder to me I force a smile
That I spend hours crying on the bathroom floor
That often I do not know if I will get through the day
That everyday I think to myself it could all be over
That’s all just a few pills
That I often think 1 cut won’t matter they won’t even know
That cut after cut I become more addicted
That I feel so much guilt
That I suffer from self-hatred
That every day is filled with anxiety attacks and fear
How is it
They are the only reason I continue
They have my heart yet are so carless with it
They are my everything but do not know me
They mean everything to me and I mean so very little to them
Even if I could tell them this
They would never get it
So, am I okay
Yes.