"You're so lucky that you're mixed."  These words have haunted me to the
point where I don't even know where to
go. To the point where I just feel like
being colorless completely.
People often forget that I am Black, as
well American Indian, and Afghan. All
of these are shades of brown that reside
in my hair, the hair thats has seen
genocide and segregation. My nose, a
nose that has smelled the scent of
dynamite caps and gunpowder for
centuries. And my skin, the skin
pigmented enough to pass as mixed,
but also not enough to pass as Native,
Afghan or Black.
No matter where I am in the world I
will always be looked at like I don't
belong. You see, I speak with a very
'articulate' tone. Or as most people see
it, "talking white." So because I use
actual English I'm white? We often say
that we as brown people are capable of
higher things; which I of course
believe. But when I open my mouth to
speak my mind, ? it's "oh no black
people don't talk like that, you should
sound more black."
Of course I speak to white people in the
same manner, tone, and complexity
and that too is in some way or
another...wrong. "Wow you're so
articulate, you are so smart!" What you
didn't expect me to be? Is it my name?
The name that was given to me to BE
different? Or was it the hair? Or, was it
the fact that I'm just plain... black to
you?
But I can't be black, oh no honey. I'll be
standing with the people I call family
with my fist in the air, and a target on
my back to be told that I, just don't get
it. I get followed around the store,
checked at the exit of Walmart, and
with be 'smiled' at with the fear of
death in white people's eyes. But. I.
don't. get. it.
And me being Native? Now that's not a
thing either. Of course you can't
identify with what's in your blood,
because it either needs to be all, or
you're not on the list to get into the
party that is struggling, that is failure,
that is poverty, weakness, and ugly. All
because I don't, get it. Apparently I'm
just the mutt.
On a job application, yes I do fill those
out because I want to ? prove everyone
who told me I had to play ball, rap,
shake my ass, or sell drugs to be
successful, wrong. Well on those
forms they always ask you what your
ethnicity is, so they can get a picture of
what you'll be like; ghetto, preppy,
lazy? I stare at that one single question
for a long time, and never know what to
answer. My runs cold as I remember
that no matter I chose, I'll be wrong.
Seeing myself on paper I'm black,
Native, Afghan, and a girl; in this
country I've committed four crimes
already, but my record is clean. I've got
everything going against me in this
country when working with white
people, now here me loud and clear
when I say "I sure as hell don't need no
s***  from ya'll too."
Is that 'black enough' for you?