1:
in the stillness of cool summer nights
drive far away from artificial city lights
something animalistic inside me fights
to let go
and howl at the stone moon
suspended in the arc of navy sky
stars glisten like teardrops shine dry
over the black ocean waves rolling, rolling away
alongside the winding cement highway
the talking and giggling in the backseat
fills my mouth with dusty silence, bittersweet
his hands gripping the wheel, his smile in my heart
the beauty of the moment eating me apart
cuts in like a whip
wanna touch the raw tenderness
wanna let the wanting slip
into the lonely loudness of the car
all of us so close, so achingly far
from the beauty
pulsing outside us
2:
stand before the mirror
my haven and my he**
the animal within me growling to tell
of all the flaws,
sinking its claws
into the vulnerable girl inside me,
seeking love
in this barren wasteland of insanity.
why do I want to be beautiful?
to be noticed?
adored?
to be worth it?
maybe it all comes down to
if I’ll ever matter to you.
and why do you matter?
what lies beyond your azure eyes?
where my Pain withers and dies?
the sweetness of your melancholy smile,
making all my starvation feel worthwhile?
your beauty, the carved perfection
shatters my ash-grey reflection
enveloping it in warm halo’s light
setting all the world’s ugliness right
it’s supposed to be merely external,
but nothing any longer feels eternal
beside your bewitching beauty.
3:
when I was little
I was beautiful
with huge jade colored eyes
glowing with the sunlight of my parents’ lies
the kind of innocence that suffocates and dies
in the blinding sable light of unanswered whys
I used to firmly believe
in the ability to achieve
anything good
heroically setting free my brother’s fireflies
soothing my baby sister’s tattered cries
I gave the world my heart
was trampled upon and ripped apart
I was just trying to do something beautiful.
4:
I need to win
pierce through my skin
to the ugliness within
let the blood come in spurts
all the damaged truths, all the hurts
I need to show you
that I know you
that I get you
that I let you
do anything-anything
but make me beautiful
I need to be beautiful
beauty’s supposed to be skin deep
but the price
is deeper
is steeper
than his love will ever be
it’s all as useless
it’s all as hopeless
I strive,
to feel alive
to feel visible.
I need to feel worth it
I need to feel beautiful.
5:
when I was younger
my best friend got chronically sick
the hospitalizations, the treatments, flew by quick
like the flashing pain of a needle prick
I was made
to visit
I was afraid
to catch it
the horror of my stare
when I saw her with no hair
her scalp white and bare
her eyes enormous and clear
her face haunted with sickly fear.
she tried to show she didn’t care,
so I told her
in my young, cruel voice
that she was beautiful
we both knew I lied
two weeks later she died.
6:
I want to tell her now:
you were beautiful
you were so beautiful
so unbearably beautiful.