Ah, Twilight – the most controversial topic since tandoori chicken versus plain chicken. Yet here I sit, a critic with a laptop and a strong opinion, vying to obtain the lead role in the dramatic play that is the Twilight debate.

No, not Team Edward. Not Team Jacob.

Team Volturi: Make Them All Hide Under Rocks in Terror.

See, here's the thing: I'm pretty relaxed about what I read. Romance, mystery, fantasy, realistic fiction … I'll read anything with at least 200 pages. So, naturally, I sank my teeth into the romantic, vampire-filled, daring adventure of Twilight. Except the “daring adventure” part didn't exist.

When Bella moves to a new town and falls in love with a vampire (Edward), you would think some problems would crop up. And they do. Completely ordinary, regular, eye-roll-worthy teenage problems.

This Non-Dramatic Non-Drama involves commitment issues (there may or may not have been a runaway vampire somewhere in the series), jealous boys (Jacob, Jacob, and more Jacob), and that one group of haters continuously attempting to ruin the romance (Team Volturi for the win!). If you think about it, the entire series revolves around a typical high school relationship.

I will admit that Meyer has writing skill; sentences flow well and paragraphs complement each other in a way that suggests a professional writer who knows how to attract her readers, which does indeed describe Meyer. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that Meyer knows how to write – she just doesn't know what to write.

Boring, boring, boring. I yawned at least twice per chapter. Romance dominated the saga in a way that would make sense for an average romance novel, but not for a series involving supernatural creatures. I expected action; I expected adventure; I expected twists and turns and moments to make me gasp and hurl my book across the room, possibly knocking a snow globe off a shelf. Meyer gave me a rainy town, a love triangle, and a teenage pregnancy.