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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

mileypoo said...
on Apr. 10 2011 at 10:51 am
That is hilarious!  I've always thought Kristen was a terrible actor, so... keep it up!
TragicMagic SILVER said...
on Apr. 9 2011 at 7:54 pm
TragicMagic SILVER, Smiths Grove, Kentucky
8 articles 1 photo 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Life isn&#039;t about how popular you are... What girl or boy you are dating or who you know. Life is about always being true to who you are or what you believe in. Never let anyone convince you that their way is better than your way. In the end all we have is our hearts...and our minds. This is the reason why we sing... this is the reason why we cry... this is why we live.&quot;

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LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!
TragicMagic SILVER said...
on Apr. 9 2011 at 7:53 pm
TragicMagic SILVER, Smiths Grove, Kentucky
8 articles 1 photo 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Life isn&#039;t about how popular you are... What girl or boy you are dating or who you know. Life is about always being true to who you are or what you believe in. Never let anyone convince you that their way is better than your way. In the end all we have is our hearts...and our minds. This is the reason why we sing... this is the reason why we cry... this is why we live.&quot;

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Epically Funny!!!!!!!!!!!
ButterflyGirl1313 PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 9 2011 at 11:44 am
ButterflyGirl1313 PLATINUM, Phoenix, Arizona
26 articles 2 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;..and these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds, they are immune to your consultations. They&#039;re quite aware of what they&#039;re going through..&quot; -David Bowie

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i agree. Nothing really special and it isn't very funny. 
music_is_my_passion_writing_is_my_soul BRONZE said...
on Apr. 8 2011 at 8:30 pm
music_is_my_passion_writing_is_my_soul BRONZE, Virginia Beach, Virginia
1 article 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.&quot; -Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

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I love the original Twilight books, but this was hilarious!!!! I loved it!!!
Jennifer_Krasinski BRONZE said...
on Apr. 8 2011 at 5:03 pm
Jennifer_Krasinski BRONZE, Decatur, Georgia
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love hurts if you do it right; you can cry when you get older.

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Amazing.

that's all:)

massacre said...
on Apr. 8 2011 at 2:53 pm
massacre, Lakewood, Washington
0 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Hate is a word for somebody you love but no longer believe in.&quot;

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That just might be the BEST fanfiction that I have EVER read. Ever.
Khristina BRONZE said...
on Apr. 7 2011 at 5:33 pm
Khristina BRONZE, Milford, Connecticut
2 articles 5 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun.&quot; - Will: The Infernal Devices Series: Clockwork Angel

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This is fantastically hilarious! I love it. :)
TabbiJane PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 7 2011 at 8:06 am
TabbiJane PLATINUM, Rockwood, Michigan
27 articles 26 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.&quot;<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> --Albus Dumbledore

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This is fantastic. SO FUNNY! Love it!!
lightanddark SILVER said...
on Apr. 6 2011 at 6:31 pm
lightanddark SILVER, New City, New York
5 articles 0 photos 5 comments
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um, i love this.
AGirlWithAStoryToTell BRONZE said...
on Apr. 6 2011 at 10:35 am
AGirlWithAStoryToTell BRONZE, Mahanoy City, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Success is to be measured not to much by the position one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.<br /> -Booker Taliaferro Washington

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OMG this just made my day!!!! That was hilarious!!!!!!! You should do some more with other films!!!!
KindaCuteNerd PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 6 2011 at 10:35 am
KindaCuteNerd PLATINUM, Barnesville, Pennsylvania
20 articles 0 photos 1 comment
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This is so funny and it is true it is basically a nice summary of the series :)
Crossfire SILVER said...
on Apr. 4 2011 at 2:15 pm
Crossfire SILVER, Duncan, South Carolina
7 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest. I&#039;m still working on kind...&quot; ~ Four A.K.A Tobias

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I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha, i want more!
crlygrl13579 said...
on Apr. 3 2011 at 10:43 am
crlygrl13579, Savage, Minnesota
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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Not really funny in any way mainly due to the fact that anyone could've made it and there's nothing especially good about it.
thissux said...
on Apr. 2 2011 at 10:47 pm
this is the worst parody ever. Do you have any originality?? You basically just stole the script of vampires suck and made it worse than it already was. Good job.
LaurenE. PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2011 at 9:33 pm
LaurenE. PLATINUM, Nashville, Tennessee
26 articles 19 photos 50 comments

Favorite Quote:
Two woods diverge in a yellow wood, and I- I took the one less traveled. And it has made all the difference. -Robert Frost

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Oh my goodness this just made my day. *laughs*
caedanse said...
on Apr. 2 2011 at 9:19 pm
caedanse, Springfield, Ohio
0 articles 0 photos 20 comments
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I don't like Twilight, but this really wasn't that funny.
Maddog357 said...
on Apr. 2 2011 at 2:19 pm
Maddog357, Louisville, Kentucky
0 articles 3 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Friendship is like peeing your pants- everyone can see it, but only you can feel it! :)<br /> OR<br /> Life isn&#039;t always fair. Sometimes you may even get a splinter riding down a rainbow!

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ahahahhaahhahahahhahahhahahhaha that was soooooooooooooooo funny
CWells_521 DIAMOND said...
on Mar. 30 2011 at 9:17 am
CWells_521 DIAMOND, Greene, New York
81 articles 0 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
The best things in life are unseen, that&#039;s why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream.<br /> What doesn&#039;t kill you, only makes you stronger.

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This is hilarious. I never thought of Twilight in this way before but I love it even more. :)
CrystalMarie GOLD said...
on Mar. 30 2011 at 8:40 am
CrystalMarie GOLD, Steubenville, Ohio
16 articles 0 photos 40 comments
View profile

Haha this is soo funny. I hope you write more like it.

 

-Crystal