It has been six years since I have been held up in this orphanage. I am now 11 years old going on 12. All I could do was be me and be reckless because I felt dead inside and like nobody truly wanted me nor the best for me. I never felt safe so every time people would come to visit so that they could adopt I would get angry and throw tantrums and curse and fight. I trusted no one really to give me a better life than I had before because of the fear of being abandoned again. At least in the orphanage I knew that I would be educated properly, fed, clothed, and the closest to being safe from the outside world of danger and criminals. The twins Shakayla and Makayla were adopted off to some kind of wealthy family who could not have their own baby. I was happy that they went to a good family that would cherish, love, and grow fund of them. I would love to see them now all grown up and going to school now. The pain was still inside of me though that when I turned 6 I was torn away from everything and they were giving everything. It wasn’t fair at all. What could I have done to have deserved this? A childhood of loneliness and punishment, there were days were I fought children and even some of the caretakers. There were also days that I would try and to escape and there were days I wouldn’t even leave my room nor talk. I was just lost of words to say but was full of action. My birthday is coming up soon and I’m wishing for a good dream to come true, where families pick me and I could resume my life the way it should be. I wonder what will come in store for me this year. I think this is the year I will regain my life of happiness and go home with an awesome family.

1st day of visitors
“Hey my name is Eddie Smith and I am 11 years old.”

2nd Day
“Hey my name is Eddie Smith and I like to play sports and write.”

That was as nice as I could get but still nobody saw anything in me and surely didn’t pick me. It was like they all put off a fake smile when they looked my way. There was only one day left and had already lost all hope. “Why don’t they like me?” Is it because their friends have told me about them about me from what I had done in my past visits. Is it because they knew of my mother? Is it because God is punishing me for everything wrong that I have done in my life while in the orphanage and when I was living in Lacrosse Palace? Those were the questions that roam around inside of my head every time I was alone in my room. I would sit there sitting idle looking at the dark wall as if it is scenery that I am admiring but instead it is just an image in my head. As you may remember I noted before that I begin writing in this journal when I was 10 which was a year ago (2006). That night I went to sleep and I dreamt and wondered if I would be chosen tomorrow. I dreamt of getting out and rejoining my own family. I also dreamt of dying.
Dreams of an Illusion
A dream in which has haunted me on that lonely sleepless night. I have tried but it is hard for me not to precisely forget that unsavory dream or memory I solely recall. A taste of blood on my tongue sprinkles in the air. Screams reach out to the farthest mind and ear that is hard to bear. Hanging on to the last hope of can anyone hear me? Can anyone save me, hoping that they don’t fear me because of this absurd illusion of reality that has come to light in my life? Once before thought of as a dream but now seems as real as it can get. Not only lasting minutes but seems as if it lasts for years or eternity. A life that is hard to dread, a life alone, figuratively but not actually. Horror taunts my mercy conscious and those of the others that I love or hate. A group of crimes and passion and traps lay as I turn every corner. Pain is felt, hearts are broken, sorrows are open, nothing is left but a tempted reaction waiting to wake from this nightmare, but all I see is shadows of death on the walls and on the streets I walk on. The walls and street is cracking as I run, walk, and I fall deeper and deeper into the darkness as the days prevail and the days remains at the twilight of the night. To never change as time does in the real world. Once was my saying “ fear no man but God himself” but yet I fear now, the place that I am in and this shadow that is watching me from the blind side and that I cannot see with the naked eye completely. It is my dream or nightmare but yet I have no control. In this darkness are others I envision and love is hatred but yet fear exist in anything. It is neither strength nor a weakness. It is just all there is in this dream. All I remember are headaches that pounced with wrenching pain of lightning that struck through my body. A dream that weakened, a heart that’s leaking and pours out with every word I speak which isn’t much because of the fatality, the sense of urgency I tended to detect and descend like no other. Attractions were fatal and misinterpreted. Women were the same as deceiving, conniving uptight, cursed with tensions and they couldn’t control their emotions. Leaving a protector in place of hand and not necessarily just being a man because I think I am “ a lover, like no other brother could love you the way I do, and trust you, I’m only looking further to the future but the more I do I suffer not letting it burn like my role model Usher. Scared and afraid of this day when I come face to face with my demons, the devil, the grim reaper himself. Maybe it’s my time because there is nothing left to fight, to search, and to stay around for, maybe if I had love I will probably fight more.
But I’m broken down deep into my core every time my head touch the bed and my feet hit the floor in the morning because I still be mourning instead of souring but every single day my feelings be showing as I seek to more exploring and dream more and more as the rain comes pouring down as I frown upon what my life is like and what I have done to prolong and bring sunlight upon where it hasn’t shown, still reminiscing and dying out like a smoker with his lungs so now I watch out for what I bring only to see it set back by the loneliness as this dream within a dream is caught by hand with my death which happens again and again every day.

3rd Day
“Hey my name is Eddie Smith. I am 11 years old and I like to play sports, write, and even sometimes I like to sing and dance.”
Special Guest
“Hey Eddie I am Luis and this here is Tom….. Wait, did you say that your name was Eddie Smith?

“Yes my name is Eddie Smith.”

“Do you know your father’s name?”

“Yes it was Leon but he died a long time ago.”

Special Guest
Oh my gosh! Eddie you might not remember us but we are your uncle Luis and Tom. Do you remember when we used to bring you all of those gifts and things when we visited you all in Lacrosse Palace? What are you doing here? Did Yolenda die as well? What about Lamar and the twins? How long have you been in here? How have you been? Are you alright?

All that I could here was a million questions coming at me at 100 miles per hour but out of consciousness I started to answer those questions. No my mom didn’t die. I have been in here for six years. She and Lamar abandoned me and the twins. One day after school, I came home and everything was gone and they left the twins buried under a pile of trash. They broke into my friend’s home and stole their money and any other valuable assets that they obtained before taking off. I have been in here and I have been lost ever since that day. It’s like the only people that I could really trust was me, myself, and the wall in which I constantly talked to every night as if the walls could really hear and feel what I was saying. I don’t know where Yolenda and Lamar are but the twins were adopted shortly after coming here. I’m pretty sure that they are alright because the family that adopted them was pretty wealthy and the twins are currently six years old. I don’t know where they are now either. Overall these people have done their best to take care of m but I must admit that I didn’t make it easy on them at all.

There wasn’t any doubt that they were going to adopt me. I knew that they would after watching them break down and cry after I told them all about what had happened back then when I was abandoned and all. I see why that hated my mother now for all of those years and it was because they saw her for who she really was; a deceptive, conniving, lying, ignorant, selfish, and very self-centered woman of disgrace in the eyes of all she comes in contact with. It was very uncomfortable talking to them but as they asked me questions I was waiting t o be talked to about my feelings started to pour out of my mouth faster than my mind could catch up to what I was doing. Also because I couldn’t even remember them that much and basically they abandoned me just as much as my mother did but I felt better after talking to somebody about it initially.

“To be honest with someone else and trust within them maybe the only way to break free to a new start with not necessarily a new life but with a better sense and a better heart.”

While I was writing most of the time as you can see I kind of became a poetic kind of guy who needed some poetic justice. It took sometime before my Aunt Luis and Uncle Tom were capable of taking me to their home because of the adoption process takes time to go through. They had their mind set on adopting an infant and so that is what they did. They adopted me and a baby. On the way to their house I had a couple of questions of my own that came to me over the time.

Where are my grandparents?
Do I have any other aunts or uncles?
Do I have any cousins?
Why did you all stop coming to check on me and stop bringing me gifts?
Do you all know where my mother and Lamar are?
Are you all still rich?
Do you all live in a mansion?
And most of all and the big question was……..
“Do ya’ll love me?”

Aunt Luis: Of------of course we love you Eddie and that is why we are bringing you home with us so that you can be happy and most of all can be with family.

I sensed some negligence there and I knew that they probably didn’t love me completely and I didn’t expect them to right then and there but I was just enlightened and happy to finally have that day when somebody told me that they love me. Throughout all of those questions I had I found out that my grandparents are both deceased and died when my dad and mom first got married in a car accident. They both loved to consume large amounts of alcohol so they were alcoholics who didn’t have anything better to do with their money then drink and gamble. My aunt and uncle were still rich but didn’t live in a mansion, just a nice size house that was substantially huge and that I had no other cousins nor aunts nor uncles that they knew of. They added that in because back in the day my unknown grandfather was a “rolling stone”. I knew what it meant from the song. We drove all the way to San Francisco from Lacrosse, California. It was about a three and a half hour driving all of the way there. On the way there we stopped by McDonald’s and I got that number 12, a 10 piece McNugget with fries, a sprite soda, and my BBQ sauce (I loved my barbeque sauce). It had been so long since I had eaten some Mickey Dees to the point that my food was gone in about five minutes (theoretically speaking). In the orphanage they were all about eating healthy so the closest we got to eat some McDonalds or any other fast food was some grilled chicken from Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) and that rarely happened because of how bad we were. Everything smelt awesome to me, the fresh fragrance of the air, the scent of the car, I guess I just felt excited to be out and about and free of having to do things I want to do without having any restrictions. I wasn’t even thinking about where I would go to school because the school at the orphanage was very easy and extremely boring. My aunt and uncle explained to me though that I will have to take some test to determine whether I should be in the sixth grade or the fifth grade and it all depended on my scores in each subject. We finally arrived at the house. It was not a mansion but it was extravagantly and enormously huge. There were windows everywhere and two fancy cars were parked in front of each garage door. I was amazed and shocked at the sights. I knew that they were rich but I didn’t know that they were that rich and all. The things that they had possessed are the things that everybody in the hood put together wishes that they had. It looked like money signs were everywhere and that was the only thing I could see when I looked at my aunt and uncle from that day on. I think that the baby was even amazed.

“Welcome to your new home Eddie and Lorenzo.”

Lorenzo was the name of the baby that they adopted. He was two years old so he was already walking and border line talking. There was an extra room in the house but it wasn’t fully furnished yet because they weren’t expecting to bring home two people so I had to sleep in the living room on the sofa bed that they had and it was somewhat comfortable. It wasn’t that bad at all: in the living room there was a high definition television at the greatest size built into the wall like a movie theater, surround sound, a Sony play station 3, a Microsoft Xbox 360, a Nintendo Wii, and every other game device or system that a man could want and the games that everybody loved to play. I had everything that a kid may want right here in front of me. That joyous night we ate some homemade lasagna. It was so delicious but then again I was probably just very happy to be eating with a family and everything felt good at that moment in time. It turned out that I would be starting school in the sixth grade and my new middle school was located about six miles into the city we lived in. It was also a preparatory school so I had to behave myself and keep my grades up in order to continue and maintain a stability there. It was only that moment when my feet touched the schools soil that I begin to think about my old friends from Lacrosse palace: Walter, Brandon, Robert, and Jared. I wondered how they had grown up to be. Do they still live in Lacrosse palace? Even though I wondered I knew that I couldn't think about those things and care about those days anymore. I finally had to put them in my past and focus on my future that has been set up for me with better opportunities. Lets just say to make a long story short that I didn't make any friends in Junior High School at all. There was complete boredom in that school for me. I never talked and when I had to for presentations all of the kids would make jokes about me and laugh at me like I wasn't even there. I got even worse responses from the girls. Everybody had a girlfriend except of me. Maybe they didn't have a sense of friendliness towards me because I was pretty much an outsider. I really didn't care too much of why they didn't like me anyways. The only thing I knew was the fact that we as the people live in a stereotypical world and that I was in a stereotypical school.

“ A stereotypical world we do live in where all are judged by their outside appearance and the color of their skin and not from what is within. A woman plays leaving the men dazed only to restraint from laughing in his face. Judging every book by its cover and if you are not the hottest guy you will never truly be there lover. When you have the money you have them all, girls everywhere from wall to wall dropping their drawls. Just because I am black does that mean that I only listen to rap? I can be a brother who listen to country and jazz and at every show on the map. Just because I am black that doesn't mean that I steal, or kill, or deal and I know we as African Americans populate these prisons cells but that was because they didn't have the right to feel. Just because I am not light skinned that doesn't mean that we cannot be together, he can have game and be lame but I will love you and be real forever. It is a shame how women today let these men drag them in pain but they too busy worrying about their image that they cannot obtain to pull themselves together. Just because he have this and look like that you are happy as long as he keep you on his arm even though you know that he will cheat on you you still perform. Why? Because he is a good looking guy. Why? Because he buys you the finest things but you not knowing he gave another woman a ring. Just because I am black does that mean that the way I talk is funny and my dad name is Luther and yours is Johnny. Should I change because I am not to your expectations. Well I am up to mine, you can diss me, I don't need fixing , I'm going to be me, just believe me, nobody will never change me. I know me from the inside, don't really care for the outside because to me I am a good looking guy. So in the end when I have success don't try to be my friend just an example of a stereotypical world that we do live in and who don't like to accept an helping hand. Just because I am black does that mean I come from the street? Cannot walk in the dark always get harassed by police. Does it mean that I sag. What if my pants fit and just a tip off because I got to have swag. Does it mean that my momma is fat and one day overdosed on crack. Why hate to these suggestions. Is it because the world is afraid that one day it will go in reverse and we will be somebody else slaves. Not being racist just tired of these comments that I face day to day whether it is from blacks or whites. I just fight for what is right, I wish we can all come together so that there will be no more wars and everybody can just live themselves a safe life.”

I wrote this poem after watching a couple of films at the house about racial and prejudice violence and also after observing the people that surround me everyday and from some of my experiences. “Panther” was the movie that really stood out to me and also “Boy in the Hood.” I knew that it was in that way in real life though because I saw it on television and in reality were a woman or girl would go for the best looking guy over the smart and kind guy and were black men and woman would fight each other like it was nothing and even I have done this same thing myself. Everybody wanted that Mr. Wrong, the bad guy, who only wanted one thing from them and they knew it but they settled for it anyway. This occurred the opposite way as well because boys did the same thing but not as worse as the girls.

Luke: What a very controversial poem written by Mr. Smith explaining the bias of opposite genders against each other and opposite races against each other. I must say I once was a poor young man and their was not one woman who would talk t me. Now that this book has been published I have gad women from my old school call and run up to me for kisses and hugs like we have been friends my whole life. Me and Mr. Smith are common men who have had women be conceptual and look over us all of our lives but when we make some of ourselves they are there all of the time right in your face.

Today is September 30, 2007, My 12th birthday. I couldn't wait to get up and search through all of the gifts that I would receive. The first thing I did was wake up and get ready for school in which I was now in my seventh grade year.

Uncle Tom: Knock! Knock! Wake up Ed there is a surprise waiting for you downstairs!

Eddie: Okay

He was screaming so loud because I was in the bathroom running some water for my early morning shower. In order to hurry up downstairs to see my present I took a quick shower. What could it be?
Is it a collection pair of Jordans?
Is it a new cell phone?
It was kind of hard to guess what was my surprise because they spoiled me and I had everything I already wanted, a family who loves me and every expensive electronic and jewelry that was in style at that time. I just hoped it was something excellent and out of the ordinary and that I would like. As I walked down my eyes blinking at every millisecond. It felt like I was going in the matrix or in slow motion, like something was wrong with me. I could see my aunt and my uncle from around the corner of the wall but there was another pair of woman heels right next to them. My heart dropped and even before I could even see the woman's face I had already guessed in my mind of who she was , my mother. I ran back up the stairs, shut my door, and locked it behind me. I felt sick because part of me wanted to go down there and slap her, curse her out, and throw her out of the house, but the other part of me wanted to run into her arms like a little baby and cry and tell her that I missed her and still loves her. I was stuck between two roads and did not know which one to take. As much as I knew that bringing her back into my life was a bad idea, I couldn't withstand the pain so I went with the high road by running back down stairs and into the living room were they had relocated and broke down into more tears. Before I could forgive my mother I wanted some answers to my questions that I had. She looked like my old mom , the one I loved and that my father loved. I was actually surprised that my aunt and uncle actually let her enter their home. One thing I knew for sure though, was no matter what happened I wasn't leaving my aunt and uncle's home with her.

Where have you been all these years?

Are you still on drugs?

Do you have a job?

Where is Lamar?

Why did you steal from Walter home?

Did you ever think about me or the twins?

Yolenda
I am sorry son for everything I put you and your siblings through baby and you do deserve to know all of the truth. I had first went to Washington because one of my dealers was moving there and I took Lamar with me because he knew the life style and the game and could help me make more money faster. You and the twins were just too young but I know that isn't a rightful excuse for leaving you all and It is not a good ideal for me to be making excuses for what I did but during that time I couldn't think straight. So the days in Washington started to dry out so me and Lamar came back to the state of California. Everyday I thought about my babies and how you all were doing but I was not strong enough to face you all with all of the disappointment I know you all had for me and I had for myself. I didn't break into Walter home but I did make your brother do it because we needed the money to get a place to stay and you know for what else. I am pretty sure at your age you understand what I am talking about. One day I woke up and I felt sicker than ever and I felt empty inside. I was vomiting up everything and it was long before I was laying hopelessly on the floor falling to the ground and calling for your brother Lamar to come help me but there was no answer. I was all alone, afraid of dieing, and thinking about how my life had turned out to be. I passed out and to awaken with more strength to pull myself up. I stumblingly walked towards Lamar room to find that it was empty, everything was gone even though there wasn't much in there anyway but a mattress on the floor and a glass dresser. I was so tired and weak but angry to the point that I started to kick and throw everything around the house until I got to my room and I noticed a hole upon my mattress where something was sticking out. My vision was still blurry but I could tell that it was a picture and when I finally got it in my hand I realized that it was a photo of you and your dad, and me, Lamar, and the twins. All I could do was look at the picture and look in the mirror at myself and recognize what I was doing to myself and what I was doing to my family. I knew I had abandoned you and the twins and had condemned Lamar's life with the drugs and street life. Some any real mother wouldn't put her own children through at all. That exact same day I checked myself into rehab and decided that it was best for me to get clean , first of all for myself so that I could be better for you and your siblings. So to answer your question no I am not on drugs anymore and I have been clean for about four years now. I have obtained an occupation and have been working steadily as a bank accountant for two and a half years. When I got out of rehab I found that your brother was living with some woman who kept him out of trouble so I let, let, let him stay with her. Apparently she was his lover because you know Lamar was very tall and looked like he was an adult at age fourteen and the streets made the situation even worse. The reason I came here was because I felt and knew that you wanted to know where your brother is. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal and have to say or come to grips with but Eddie your brother was killed yesterday. He left behind a child who is a newborn and he looks so handsome just like Lamar. Apparently your brother was struggling and knowing that he had a baby coming into this world soon at the age of 16 he decided to go back to the streets to help support but not knowing that the man he used to work for was working with his new dealer. Lamar owed his old dealer some money but before he could realize they were working together they set him up and he walked into a trap and was gunned down. I am sorry I had to tell you this on your birthday but I though that you should know. That is not the only reason I.......

Eddie: You crazy! How can he be dead?! You should have taken care of him! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

Yolenda: I would like to help you through this son and I want to be a part of your life now.

I couldn't even listen to my mother even if I wanted to because it was I couldn't hear anything she was saying. It was like I could hear everything that happened that night , guns going off in my head.

Bllllllllllllllllll! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Wineeee! Wineee!

I could hear babies crying and police sirens. I was out and about in the mind. I was broke down crying and sighing and trying to grasp the lost of my brother in my head. Now wishing and hoping that I was also dead. I could see the blood in the eyes and all I could say was, Why?

What if I was there with Lamar and mom in the world all along? Will I still be so distraught and staying so strong. What if it was me who was shot up that night? I wonder how that would have effected everyone else life that is around me. I will forgive but won't forget that I was left just like a piece of s***.

You know that things were not happening at all like it was supposed to , but I was finally happy to have a family that consisted of my mother. I will never get over my brother's death though and he will always be in my heart. He was the one that taught me how to be a good young man. If it wasn't from him taking me around the hood I would have always been this little outsider in the world who is scared to interact with others and all. I would have been beaten up everyday at school if it wasn't from him teaching me how to be tough. As things got more situated my next school year was quite interesting. One thing that was off of my conscious was the fact that I knew that my mother wouldn't be coming up to the school cursing and threatening people like she did when I was a little kid. I must say she found a new lease on life, she even participates in every church occasion or event and is one of the church choir director along with a man by the name of Eric English who was an ex NBA/rap superstar. Over the past year I had found that I have a voice of my own and love to sing. Now all I do is go around the house dancing and singing Usher, Michael Jackson, Tyrese, Boyz II Men, New Edition, Omarion, Chris Brown, you name it I sing it. I was too shy though to tell anyone even my mother that I knew how to sing because then she might want me to join the choir and there are people that attends my school that also attend the church so I passed on joining. I now lived with my mother. There was one girl who was so fine to me and I would get nervous whenever she sat next to me or in the row in front of me at church. Her name was Briana and she was Eric, the other choir director's daughter. She was in the same grade as me as well but I think she was older , probably flunked a grade or something. She had a twin brother named Kobe who was in the same grade as us as well and we were cool.

Eddie: “There's always that one person that will always have your heart, you never seen it coming because you're blinded from the start know that you're the one for me meant for everyone to see my baby, Girl you will always be my oh.”

Mom: Baby is that you I didn't know that you could sing like that you need to join the choir baby and then maybe you can get that girl to like you that you get nervous around at church.

This is two years later and I think that I am now ready to show everyone my talents. I am more mature than I was then. I played football in the seventh grade but I wasn't really that dedicated so I would skip practice and play whenever I felt like it. I got into my first fight since Lacrosse Palace and I won. This kid named Dominique thought that he was better than everyone so I had to take him down a notch and show him he is not better than nobody at this school. The physical education teacher was caught us but didn't report us because he was also my football coach and he was cool. The school was located in a Caucasian neighborhood but after awhile it was mostly populated with African Americans. Clark Magnet School was the name and boy wasn't it lame. I still couldn't join the choir because I was still too shy to sing in front of a lot of people but I did plan to sing in the talent show but only if I had someone to sing with me because then I might not be too scared.

I have now adopted a hobby of writing seriously and I also draw explicit and very good detailed portraits of of people. Over the years I haven't been able to write because I was feeling whole again but now there is an open hole in my heart and it is the hole of love from a girl.

“Emptiness is felt , a whole in which I have whelped, thinking that I am left without a lover who is another girl in this world who would tell you , they need you, really love you, want to see you, but when you say It back they don't believe you so tell me who can love you and trust when it is a must to have lust in a bubble then it bust so what is next to the best when you show off to the rest and passing every test is like playing chess, you win and lose, bringing you down with no clues and putting on fronts for you, trying to impress with the way you dress buying every pair of expensive shoes but still they don't choose you. Got you questioning your heart and life wondering what you got to do to make everything right so to keep from going wrong you just stay out of sight only coming out when there is no light, sitting in the dark ready to take flight but then in fright takes over realizing I need to forget it and then will it all be over.”

Lorenzo is really starting to get big. He is just starting school now at the age of five. I am the starting Quarterback at Clark now so I be at practice and at the school most of the time and when I get home I be so tired that I just jump in the shower and fall out on the bed and go to sleep.

Luke: It is hard enough to try to forget the one who have died and was in your heart, your brother. Your mother comes back. What would you have done if this was you in this situation? Would you forgive your mother? Will you love her? Would you contemplate to her actions?

“Let it be and you will rise again to your feet as if you in life have taken a huge leap towards success accomplishing it all never settling for less.”

This is the time of life where a man relinquishes his goals and is not too far from becoming a man. I am now eighteen years old and is enrolled at a college in Virginia named Hampden Sydney College. The rest of my school days were normal with no relationships but me and Briana have become pretty close and also attend the same college. Me and her brother Kobe kind of fell out of touch because of how destructive he was with his life and with others. I did play basketball, run track, and play baseball in high school. My journal was lost but now is found and that is why it has been six years since I have written. Not much has been missed except of the fact that my mother was diagnosed with cancer last summer but she is fighting well. Lately she has been acting weird though and elusive and cautious everywhere she goes. The thing about Briana is she gets mad whenever I talk to other girls or when other girls try to talk to me but all she tells me is that we are just friends. She does not believe anything I say so what is it that I got to do to show her that I am here to stay. I don't know I go over all day and everyday inside of my head. It is like she plays games with my heart instead of being my girl and taking a chance on a relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time because it is like I am being dragged along a line or on a course that isn't going anywhere. I am lost. How hard can this be for us to be together because I am ready to move forward, it is her that is stopping me. Remembering one of my favorite songs when Mario sings

“ Oh baby you, you got what I need but you say I'm just a friend. But I can be your fantasies but you say I'm just a friend.”

“Love is a crazy thing to have those feelings for a girl but to have her not have them feelings back is exhilarating. I put in time to make her happy everyday and try to take away all of her pain and put a smile on her face but it seems like I still chase a dream, a fantasy, a young woman, a relationship, something that will probably never happen between her and me and try to convince myself that I don't really care but really I feel jealousy. Wishing that it was me that could enlighten her day , give her hugs and kisses without her pushing me aside or totally pushing me away. What should I do ? I do not know. I guess we have to see where my luck and my future goes.